3.8 and 3.5

I got my grades back today. I received an A in both classes. Anatomy and physiology and Nursing 99. ANP was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do, so I'm proud of my 3.5, although it would have been nice to get a 4.0. In less than a week I'll be back in school for the summer. I'm taking ANP 2 and Intermediate algebra. I'm really nervous about the algebra because I don't know how to do it, other than the tutorial Mandy, Heidi and Drew gave me. I'm in Maryland right now. It's hard being here. Kinda bitter sweet. It's sad because everytime I come back here it's more obvious that this isn't my home, and that's a really sad feeling. At the same time though, it's a happy thing because it makes me realize how Seattle is my home, and how much I love it. I miss Seattle already and I've only been gone 4 days. I'm ready to go home. In other news, I'm still planning a camping trip for August, if you want in, let me know.

finals and maryland

tomorrow is my anatomy and physiology final as well as my nursing 99 final. i haven't studied for either. i know i should've but everytime i sit down to study, the sun distracts me. also i'm leaving for maryland on saturday. i'll be gone for a week. i'm excited. i'm going to go fishing, crabbing, swimming and much more. my summer quarter starts in about 2 weeks. i'm taking anatomy and physiology 2 and intermediate algebra. i'm really nervous about the algebra, i don't know how much you know about my highschool, but the year book advisor was also my algebra teacher. if anyone knows how to do algebra and would like to help me, that would be great.

Amendment to the top 5 memories....

6. When I met Zach Rupp
7. When I ate a chicken that had a beer can shoved up it's ass, with Phil.

memory all alone in the moonlight.....

i've always had this problem where i can't remember things. i don't remember much from my childhood, or anything at all. i don't remember much from highschool, and sadly i don't remember much from seattle (although i have more memory of seattle than anything else, but that could be because it's closer in time). anyways.....it's always upset me inside. people would start talking, remember when....blablablablabla.....and about 85% of the time, i have no clue what their talking about. i've been thinking more about memories more recently because i'm trying to process my time back in maryland. if you remember in another blog i wrote, one of the reasons i started back at counseling, was that i needed help processing it. so i have this over all feeling that my time in maryland was hard....so then i tried to remember why it was so difficult and i got nothing. i mean, i know the general reasoning of why it was hard, but as far as specific memories/examples, i can't really think of many. when that happens (the whole not remembering things to back up a feeling...which happens a lot) i start to doubt myself, and think i'm crazy or a liar. so this all starts making me sad/upset with myself. it's hard to know what's true when you don't have a good hold on the past. even thinking back to the past 4 years in seattle is pretty hazy. so, i talked to my counselor about it. he thought it was a few different things working together which causes me not to remember much. one thing he pointed to was the fact that i've been pretty emotionally disconnected from everything. my way to survive growing up with my family was not to have emotions tied into situations. one thing that causes a memory is an emotional connection with whatever's going on around you in the moment. since i haven't had many of those...i don't have many memories....their not lost forever though, don't worry. it still takes me a while to connect what i'm feeling with the moment at hand, which is why the short memory continues while i'm in seattle, also my brains been working like this for 21 years so it's kind of engraved into my memory.....get it??? (you were supposed to get the irony involved...) my counselor suggested that i start backwards, try to remember seattle, then work my way back into childhood. he wanted me to think of the 5 most memorable times in seattle, which wasn't that hard, because i only had about 20 memories to pick from....just kidding. i based these five on how clear they are and how strongly i connected emotionaly in the the moment, so here ya go.....

in no particular order.....

1. the day i let someone see me really cry and i happend to cry more than i've ever cried before
2. the day i had to call my mother and tell her i was depressed, going on medication, and had tried to kill myself
3. the day i saw in the frames perform at sasquatch 2005 (still causes me to become extremely happy)
4. the day i went to st. marks beforing leaving for my sabbatical in maryland
5. the day i broke down at beths with anna and locked myself in the bathroom

A Blog......

Jolene's been bugging the H E double hockey sticks outta me to write a blog....so I am. I go to school, incase you didn't know. I'm taking an anatomy and physiology class. It's pretty hard. I have to learn all the bones of the body, and about 20 points on each of the 206 bones by monday. I'm really stressed out about it. For the test, our teacher is laying out all the bones, we have to identify all the bones along with the corresponding 20 points. No word bank, no matching, no multiple choice, just straight up memory. SICK. I feel sick when I start thinking about it. In other news, I started going back to counseling. Well...maybe not started back. I've gone to counseling a few times, and might go a few times more. I realized I haven't processed, or even thought about my 6 months back home, a lot of stuff happened and I'd like to figure some of it out. I still enjoy sewing. The end.

Birthday Anxiety....

I've never been a big fan of birthdays....wait, actually, I am a huge fan of birthday's but try not to be, for fear of disappointment. Some how I mananged to be the only one in my family who cares about holiday's and birthdays, which means if I didn't figure out some celebration there really wasn't one. I haven't been home for my birthday in 4 years, which is weird for me to think about. So usually on this day, (p.s. it's my birthday) I walk around nervously wondering who remembered and who hasn't and trying not to make it obvious, while trying not to be awkward. Everyone trys to act like birthday's aren't a big deal and if it's their birthday, they're so nonchalant about it...or at least that's how I usually am. Then there's that awkward interaction where you've been hanging out with someone on your birthday, but maybe they forgot, then someone else comes in the room and wishes you happy birthday, then the person you were hanging out with all day is like, oh yeah, umm happy birthday. I like birthdays. My friends do an amazing job at trying to unravel the mistakes of past birthday. If someone does something for me, or gives me something I don't like at all, I don't care, at least they thought about me, which lets be honest, is what really counts.

birthday misses.....get it? like birthday wishes but not?

I woke up this morning and realized I completely forgot my newphew's birthday. I feel horrible about it. I'm sure he didn't notice, or maybe he did. how could i forget it, I practically raised the child for the first 3 years of his life. How can I be so disconnected to the world back in the MD? Why is it so hard for me to keep in touch with my family, while I live out here. When I moved back to MD for that short stint, I managed to keep in contact with a lot of people back here. I feel like I'm the perfect example of "out of sight out of mind".....and I hate it. It's only been a month since I've been back and my time in Maryland already seems like a distant hazy memory....what's wrong with me. I need help with connecting the two worlds.
In other news...I'm still getting a dog. I'm putting a $100 desposit on it, so I can get the pick of the litter. Also I start school in 10 days, which is really starting to scare me. I know I did fine in school last semester, but for some reason I still have this huge fear that I'm going to fail, and that it will be too much for me to handle. I feel overwhelmed right now, and I'm not sure why. The end.

Pacey Whitter and adopting dogs....

This week I've been house sitting for the family I nannied for. They have a dog named Baxter so I've been taking care of him as well. I've come to the conclusion that I want a dog. I know I can't have one, mainly because I live with someone allergic to dogs, as well as we're not allowed to have animals in the house I'm living in. But, when I move out in the fall, I'm getting a dog. I've thoroughly enjoyed hav ing a dog this past week. It's nice to take care of something. Everyday we take a trip or two to the park, take strolls around the neighborhood or run to the store together. It's kind of like having a child but not as traumatic when they die. Also I'm in love with a boy named Pacey Whitter, hopefully I'll soon be Julie Whitter....but that may all be a pipe dream. My friends come back from their respective countries next week. I'm excited to see them. Speaking of friends...I think that holiday's shouldn't be this exclusive family function. I mean, I know a lot of people, especially those is Seattle, far from family have realized this and actively participate in mingling holidays into a family/friends ordeal. I remember when I was in highschool and it was a holiday, you couldn't even call your friends on holidays much less incluse them in the festvals. I think it's silly. I think specials days should be celebrated with everyone you love. Not just family, besides I consider a lot of my friends the same as family, and I'm closer with my friends than the majority of my family. So...if I ever grow up and have a traditional family of my own, you are all invited to all of my holiday extravaganzas. Thank you.

Back to Se-at.....

I'm back in the Emerald City and I LOVE it. It's strange though...well I think what the strange thing is, is that it's strange. I didn't think the change would effect me, but it is. I miss my mom mainly. We had the opportunity to work through some hard things as well as get to know each other more. Things aren't perfect of course but I feel like I have some sort of closure for something, not sure what though. I have a longing for family so when I find even the tiniest piece of it, I want to hold on to as long as possible. I have family here too and I'm excited to be able to hang out with them again. In other news....I got a job. I had an interview today for doing laundry for a family and they hired me. I start school April 1st. I want to see everyone.

reading rainbow......

it can take you anywhere.....it's in a book, just take a look, reading rainbow.... i read a lot of books now, because i live in the middle of no where and there's nothing else really to do. so i thought i should keep everyone updated on what i'm reading, if i like or not, good quotes, bad quotes, etc. here's a list of what i've read in the past 2 months:

Dharma Bums by Jack Kerouac
The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran
On the Road by Jack Kerouac
Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer
A Man Without a Country by Kurt Vonnegut (I'm still reading this one)

I've really enjoyed all of them. I like to read. I especially enjoyed Dharma Bums, and would recommend it, if you're wanting to read a good book. I do have to warn you that there are some orgies involved in the book. I'm making Mandy read it. I just finished Into the Wild. It was really sad/inspiring. It's a true story about a 22 year old who hitchhiked to Alaska and died. And now I'm reading A Man Without a Country. It's written by the same guy who wrote Slaughterhouse Five, which is another good book. My favorite book of all time though is Franny and Zooey by J.D. Salinger. That book truely changed my life and brought me closer to God. Here's a quote I liked from the book I'm reading:

"Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven's sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possibly can. You will get enormous reward. You will have created something."

on fire....

When I was younger, especially in middle school, the big event to attend was Acquire the Fire, or ATF as the cool people called it. The only reason I began going was because my friends were all going. But every year it was the same depressing cylce. For 6 months they'd be hyping it up at my school/youth group we'd all go and get "on fire for God". When I was there as well as when we'd get back, I'd feel so guilty. The way they described someone who was "on fire" did not fit me at all, and since the only good Christian was an on fire Christian, I concluded I wasn't Christian. So for the greater part of my teen years I battled this stigma. At the youth conference they'd always use this line....."IF YOU DON'T KNOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT GOD IS REAL AND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HELL, THEN YOU BETTER BE CONCERNED" The result of that speech was me rededicating my life to God and saying the sinner's prayer every four months. I didn't KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that God was real and that I wasn't going to hell, I still don't know about the 4th KNOW. I think I have it up to the 3rd, but to be an on fire good Christian that's not good enough.....I wish someone would have told me that being a Christian didn't always look the same. I felt like I was the only one in an auditorium of 5,000 people who didn't match the criteria. (Other than the bad kids, whose parents made them come.) More than anything in the world I wanted to be a good Christian but no matter how hard I tried or what I did I never matched the ATF description. I wish I wouldn't have been so passive and let other people tell me how to follow God. It's all worked out in the end though. I now know that just because I don't fit their description, I'm a Christian. In the early years of my Seattle life I had a few breakdowns, which mainly centered around me not thinking I was a Christian. A wise man named Phil Cunningham told me, "If you weren't a Christian, you wouldn't be so worried about whether you were one or not" it made a lot of sense to me and relieved a lot of stress. So I have one main regret in my life, I regret believing whatever anyone in authority told me, without thinking for myself first. It really bothers me now to think how I allowed people to dictate what I believed and thought. When I would get into trouble in middle/high school, I automatically assumed they were right and I was wrong, but now looking back I can see some times when they were completely wrong, and I just sat back took the punishment. I was way to passive and obedient. Anyways, I don't think the ATF people are horrible, or not Christians, if that's how your relationship with God looks, that's great, I just wish they would have mentioned and left some room for diversity.

sewing maching....the industrial god...

I sew now and i love it. I took a trip to the goodwill and found some really cool sheets, which inspired me to start sewing. My only problem was that my sewing machine is in Seattle, although I'm not sure where in Seattle. I went home with my new (actually really old) fabric and without a sewing machine. When my mother heard of my new interest in sewing she said...."well i have your grandma johnson's (who i've never met, she's dead now) sewing machine in the attick." So my mother and I climbed into the attick and there it was in all of it's 1948 glory. It weighs about 60 pounds....literally and smells like an old persons house plus an oil tanker. My mom said it probably wouldn't work, since it hadn't been used in 21 years. I lugged it downstairs, carefully placed it on the kitchen table (i was afraid the table might break from the weight) and started to hook the machine up to electricity. IT WORKED!!! I was so excited. And that's when I began to sew. It becomes addicting. I've never really sewn anything before, other than 500 yards of muslin to make Mission Adventure curtains.....TWICE. I've had to figure out how to do everything, mainly by trail and error. I invested in a seam ripper which is definitely something I use a lot. While i was sewing late last night I felt this sense of connection with my lost history. Unfortunately I never got to meet my dad's parents and no one ever talks about them. I've never seen a picture of them, I didn't even know their names, or were they lived until a few months ago. And here I was in 2007 using my father's mother's sewing machine that she used to make my father's clothes when she was my age. It was pretty cool. I have nothing to connect myself with her except that sewing machine. Anyways I really enjoy sewing, but I can't cut straight for the life of me, that's my only set back. I've made two purses, a few pillows, a pencil case and a sach (not sure how to spell it) for Jolene's hope chest. I heart sewing.

Happy Happy New Year....

I just wanted to tell everyone happy 2007. I was looking through my old journal from when I was 11 and I wrote that I would probably get married in 2007...so this is my year, I should live it up before I get married. I hope everyone's holiday was spectacular.

...hold your mistake up...

last week i was in seattle, and it was very good for my soul. while i was falling asleep on the couch in the town house, i had a revelation....mistakes do not equal sin. weird. now maybe this means nothing to everyone else, but i've spent the majority of my life equating mistakes with sin. last summer while i was preparing for mission adventures with dave and phil, dave said something that blew my mind away. he said, don't worry if you mess up, you've never done these kinds of things before, it's ok to make mistakes. i didn't fully understand why that comment was so huge for me, but now i do. when dave told me that i felt so free. no one's ever told me it was ok to mess up before. when i'm faced with things that i could potentially make a mistake on (which is almost everything) i either go crazy trying to make it perfect or don't try at all. it was because i figured if i made a mistake in the process it wasn't even worth attempting. i'm not so afraid of life anymore. i wish everyone understood how huge this revelation was for me. why didn't someone tell me this earlier. everytime i screwed up something, or made a mistake i thought i was sinning and would have to repent or i would go straight to hell. i don't know where i got my previous thinking, but it definately messed with a lot of my life decisions. so now i have all this freedom and i'm very happy.

FINAL...ly

My finals are over, and I'm very happy. I don't think i failed anything which is good. I think my most difficult class was English. Maby not most difficult but, I had to put the most amount of effort into it. Our final exam was putting all of our writings into a portfolio for our teacher to grade, we got them back today along with our grade. It was a good feeling when my classmates and I were handed back our portfolio, and we all sighed in reflief. None of us failed the class. I've gotten to know the people in my row (the back row also known as the bad row) and it was nice to have them there when we all got our final grades. It feel good sometimes to go through difficult things people and in the end suceed. We didn't have to stay for class because there wasn't any class, but none of us wanted to leave each other. It was strange all 5 of us had been trying to get through this class, helping each other, comparing each others grades, bitching together and now it one quick moment it was all over. So we all just sat there for a while in our back row, very relieved but in a weird way sad. We all knew that we wouldn't keep in touch after the semester was over, but it was ok. Eventually me and another girl left and said bye and it was over. It's nice to have relationships that are ok to end.

Normal???

Well I work at a bookstore now. It's fine, but like most part time jobs I've had in the past....I wouldn't want to do that for the rest of my life. So while I was at work last night, thinking about that, I realized something....for a lot of people this is there life. Go to work and then go home. Weird. I know the majority of the population live like this, but when I think of that life for myself, I begin to panic. Nothing seems worse to me than that. Maybe it's just because I'm immature, and when I become a real adult then it will sit better with me. Speaking of being an adult....the other day I was hanging out with my brother and his family. We were taking a walk and my nephew and I were walking a little bit ahead. I went to cross the street with my nephew (who's 5) and he said, "wait Julie, we have to wait for an adult until we cross the street." I always feel like I'm so much younger than everyone else. At the bookstore there's a few 18 year olds working there....and I'm intimidated by them and assume they're much older than me. Anyways, back to life....how many people actually like their job? I mean our jobs is how we define ourselves. The first thing people always ask is, what do you do. If you don't like your job, but that's what defines you, then how do you feel about yourself? I know people don't like to admit that we're mainly defined by our profession, but it's true...sorry. Today in psychology we're talking about fears and phobia's. My biggest fear in life is to end up in some job I don't really like, one where you have to come in at a certain hour everyday, and after five years of working there you only get 2 weeks paid vacation. AAAAAAHHHHH!!! Here's the problem, most jobs that are dubbed "successful" fall into that description. Sick. I guess being a college professor wouldn't be that bad. Anyways, I'm still going to be a nurse, but I haven't really, and I'm not sure I ever will, connect being a nurse with my profession/identity. Even though I do like telling Mandy and Jolene I'm a nurse so I can give them medical advice. I talked to the Cunningham's last night....it made my heart happier than any job I could ever have. Emma's precious.

highlights....not the kids magazine

well i got a job at borders book store. that's good. i'll be making 7 dollars an hour. i need to save up a lot of money in the next 3 months, so i'll have to work a lot. it's turning into christmas time in the mall (which is where the bookstore is) so soon i'll be able to listen to christmas music everyday at work....yay. me and maria went to nathan's wedding. HOLY BUCKETS. i felt very.........poor. i've never been looked down on/snubbed before just because i wasn't rich, so it was kinda weird. fortunately a lot of people i liked were there so it was fun. me, rach, lynette, rusty, david, suzanne, maria and rob danced all night. well most of the time we actually couldn't dance because the dance floor was reserved for special people, but when they let the commoners on the dance floor we were there. did i mention maria and i DROVE to st. louis? the way there was great...on the way back, i thought i was going to die a few times. while we were in st. louis we stayed in the land of mansions. i've never been in such a rich place before, everywhere i looked there were homes 10 times (literally) the size of mine and porsches. i almost hit the porsche in the garage where we were sleeping, with a bike. i've included a picture of the house we stayed behind. it was great seeing friends i hadn't seen in a while. my semester's almost over. i'll be glad when it's done because that means my next semester is in seattle and also it will actually be about nursing stuff. in 37 days i'll be in seattle for christmas, or pre-christmas at least. well that's all i have for now. this weekend i'm going to make pumpkin pie out of sweet potatoes and make home made bread. i just remembered i have a test in 20 mins that i haven't studied for. bye

getting my hair cuts....

last week i couldn't get into the classes i needed. my life was over. then i called my friends freaking out, saying i'll never be able to go back to seattle. then mandy and jolene had the most amazing idea ever. they said.....ummm julie why don't you move back here in the spring and go to school. well that idea was loaded with several different emotions. the predominate one was joy, then fear, then a feeling a failure. well i happy for obvious reasons... but then i realized if i decided to move back i'd had to tell my mom...which is very scary. not because she's a horrible person, i mean she's not perfect but as i told jole, i wasn't so afraid of her response, but that i had to be vulnerable with her. one thing i've learned in life through many different people, is that it's best to be honest. before i learned this lesson i would have been focusing on how to tell my mom with the least amount of friction and make it seem as not a big deal as possible. but that's not being honest to how i actually feel. so to be honest means i would have to go to her and tell her that i was afraid and that i felt vulnerable. it took 3 days to build up the confidence. the thing is, it's my mom and really when it comes down to it, i just want my mom to be happy and make her proud, and i know this decision would make her not happy and not proud. so i told her all of that because i want to be honest with how i'm feeling. for some reason i've been feeling the need the past 6 months to do that. i'm not sure why but right now just saying truth isn't enough for me, i need to feel it too.
well, i told my mom, she cried and it was over. i'm ok with the response, even though i wished it would have been different.
after that adventure i was faced with this weird sense of being a failure. i don't want to be wishy washy, or i at least dont want people to think i am. so was going home for 6 months a waste of time and a mistake. well as of now i dont think it was. for the first time in my life i'm seeing clearly how my family is. it's not an idealistic/denialistic view, where everyones perfect christians and happy, but it's also not this perspective where everyone's satan and ruined my life. i'm learning to see my family as people who made/make mistakes but also have good things in them. sometimes they lean more to one side than the other, but they're my family. some people in my family aren't ready to have a relationships, i guess that's ok, i'll wait. now just because they're my family and i've been able to recognize all of this, doesn't mean they're the healthiest to be with. it's really hard because i have this overwhelming desire to be with my family but it's so harmful sometimes. i think i have this desire to be with my family as how i envision they could be, but being with them in reality isn't so good. anyways, i'm moving back to seattle in february and i'm getting my hair cut today.

CLOSED

So yesterday was the first day to register for spring classes at my college. Registration opened at 9 a.m. I arrived at my college around 9:45 am, by the time I got into the building and started registering it was 10 am. I already had my schedule figured out, it was perfect. All I had to do was click the register button and I was set. What was my schedule? Anatomy and physiology I, Microbiology, Statistical Math for nursing and Dosage 101. So there I was at the computer, I clicked the button, and in my head I had already moved on to thinking about what homework I had forgotten to do the previous night. But then something awful happened....in big block letters the word CLOSED appeared. I started to panic...how could ALL the classes I picked already be full? I tried to calm myself down, thinking that I just wouldn't be able to get the times I wanted. I'm fine with compromising. So I began searching for what classes wouldn't be closed. Once again another horrible thing happened, every single class I needed, no matter what time or day was CLOSED. Now maybe you're wondering what the big deal is, I could just take other classes right....WRONG. I need to take A&P I before I can take A&P II. I also need to take Microbiology before I can go into A&P II. If I don't take those classes I can't take A&P II in the summer, and A&P II is the class I need to take before I can get into the nursing program next fall. That means I can't go into the nursing program in the fall, they only offer the nursing program in the fall, which means I'd have to wait until FALL 2008! I almost started crying when this all happened. How could all the classes I needed to get into nursing be closed an hour after registration started? I had to pull myself together and figure out a solution. So I went to the department head of the medical programs, told her my problem and she said.....too bad. I could have went on a waiting list, in case someone dropped out, but the waiting list was ALREADY FULL!!! WHAT!! I mean did I enter the twilight zone or something, where an hour in my head was secretly a month to the rest of the world. I was very upset, I thought my life was ruined, I'd never be able to get back to Seattle at this rate. So I called my dear friends Jolene and Mandy. They talked me through the situation and calmed my nerves. We came to a very smart and wonderful conclusion where maybe we can make this work to my advantage, but I'm very afraid........help....

510 days....

It's been a year and 5 months of being depression free. It's strange to think that I can trace it back to an exact date. I'm finally getting to a point where I'm comfortable not being depressed. It's been a part of me so long that when it wasn't there I felt fake. I spent so much of my life pretending to be ok, that when I actually was ok, I still thought I was lying. The brain is crazy. Sometimes when I think back to my depression, it's hard for me to remember what it was like. I feel so removed from it. Fortunately I have my journals to remind me. I wonder how I came to be free of it. I wish I could pin point it to one thing, but in reality it's not that simple. It was a culmination of things. People who cared for me, professional help, maybe medication, but I'm not really convinced on that one, Jesus, music, labyrinths, Seattle, prayer, children, St. Marks, myself, commitment services, and so much more. Jesus took all of these things, mushed them together and gave them to me, just to make me whole. For the first time in my life I'm not doubting my emotions. When I feel happy I know it's genuine. I can feel sad for other people as well as myself now, which is a huge thing. It's been so confusing trying to figure this all out. It wasn't like one day I was suddenly better. Just because the depression was gone didn't mean it was easy. Most of the time I felt incredibly numb, which is horrible, cuz a lot of times I'd rather feel depressed than numb. Other days were just ok, and a lot of days were a battle between two different people in my head. I mean that sounds kinda creepy, multiple personalitiesish, but it wasn't that creepy. My old way of thinking and the new way of thinking I was/am learning were always fighting. The old still is in there and still pops up, but it's not as dominating. So I was telling Rachel Mc. yesterday about stuff that's going on with me and at my house and she asked me if I get depressed and if I was lonely. I immediately responded no, I didn't even think about it. But then I was surprised how easy it was to say no. Now the old me would start panicking because I'd be doubting myself and wondering if maybe things aren't ok inside of me and wondering if I'm going to wake up one morning realizing I was just numb to the whole situation and now want to kill myself. But the truth is no, and I believe myself. Weird. So I guess I want to say thank you to everyone who contributed to my life.