Holla: December 2007

I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now. It's a mixture of relief, sadness, anxiety, fear, joy, regret....pretty much all emotions all jumbled up, except maybe anger....i'm not too angry. It seems like a lot of my things in my life are either ending or starting right now. Tonight was the last night of Chanukah. I also had my final tonight so school is done...which means I've completed all of my pre-reqs for the nursing program. In 36 hours I will be getting a puppy. In two weeks I will have applied for the nursing program and in a month I will have know whether or not I got accepted. Christmas is coming, a year is ending. I'm getting a new job. People are moving out and into the house. It just seems like there's a pretty big chapter of my life ending, and another one is on the brink of starting.

I really enjoyed celebrating Chanukah with Pete. It's nice to have a different perspective on this time of year. I like the idea of physically celebrating something...maybe that's why I like to dance. I loved lighting the candles a certain way, with a certain candle and in a certain order. It was also cool speaking out blessings while retelling the miracle of the lamp through the lighting of the candles. I'd like to incorporate more Jewish traditions into my life.
Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech ha'o'lam asher kid'shanu b'mitzvotav v'tzivanu l'hadlik neir (shel) chanukah.

So like I said, I feel like it's about to get crazy in my life. Sometimes when I think about all the change that is happening, as well as a bunch of personal goals I am/want to make, life gets a little overwhelming. Like I said in previous blogs, I want to become a better communicator. I feel like I'm horrible at it right now and I hate the feeling I get when I don't communicate well, or when I know I should have communicated something but chickened out. I still have the desire for myself and my house to become a safe place for people who don't have one. My mother used to always say, we're family, this should be a safe place. I think that's what I'm wanting to recreate.

On another note. I miss David Harris and Clayre like crazy. They are some of the closest people I have in my life, but they both live so far away. I was talking about them to someone and saying how much I loved them, and then I realized that the majority of our friendship has been long distance and how it really really sucks that they are so far away. It made me sad, but they're worth it.

Friday night I'm going to this thing at St. Marks called Urban Hymnal. It's supposed to be a night of art, silence, prayer and music. I'm hoping that there will be space for me that night to process some of my feelings. The night also focuses on the sadness of the Christmas season, which is something I definitely am and will experience. St. Marks is a sacred place to me and I'm looking forward to some communal silence.

In conclusion. If you want to meet Tallulah, let me know. Introductions will be starting this weekend.