CLOSED

So yesterday was the first day to register for spring classes at my college. Registration opened at 9 a.m. I arrived at my college around 9:45 am, by the time I got into the building and started registering it was 10 am. I already had my schedule figured out, it was perfect. All I had to do was click the register button and I was set. What was my schedule? Anatomy and physiology I, Microbiology, Statistical Math for nursing and Dosage 101. So there I was at the computer, I clicked the button, and in my head I had already moved on to thinking about what homework I had forgotten to do the previous night. But then something awful happened....in big block letters the word CLOSED appeared. I started to panic...how could ALL the classes I picked already be full? I tried to calm myself down, thinking that I just wouldn't be able to get the times I wanted. I'm fine with compromising. So I began searching for what classes wouldn't be closed. Once again another horrible thing happened, every single class I needed, no matter what time or day was CLOSED. Now maybe you're wondering what the big deal is, I could just take other classes right....WRONG. I need to take A&P I before I can take A&P II. I also need to take Microbiology before I can go into A&P II. If I don't take those classes I can't take A&P II in the summer, and A&P II is the class I need to take before I can get into the nursing program next fall. That means I can't go into the nursing program in the fall, they only offer the nursing program in the fall, which means I'd have to wait until FALL 2008! I almost started crying when this all happened. How could all the classes I needed to get into nursing be closed an hour after registration started? I had to pull myself together and figure out a solution. So I went to the department head of the medical programs, told her my problem and she said.....too bad. I could have went on a waiting list, in case someone dropped out, but the waiting list was ALREADY FULL!!! WHAT!! I mean did I enter the twilight zone or something, where an hour in my head was secretly a month to the rest of the world. I was very upset, I thought my life was ruined, I'd never be able to get back to Seattle at this rate. So I called my dear friends Jolene and Mandy. They talked me through the situation and calmed my nerves. We came to a very smart and wonderful conclusion where maybe we can make this work to my advantage, but I'm very afraid........help....

510 days....

It's been a year and 5 months of being depression free. It's strange to think that I can trace it back to an exact date. I'm finally getting to a point where I'm comfortable not being depressed. It's been a part of me so long that when it wasn't there I felt fake. I spent so much of my life pretending to be ok, that when I actually was ok, I still thought I was lying. The brain is crazy. Sometimes when I think back to my depression, it's hard for me to remember what it was like. I feel so removed from it. Fortunately I have my journals to remind me. I wonder how I came to be free of it. I wish I could pin point it to one thing, but in reality it's not that simple. It was a culmination of things. People who cared for me, professional help, maybe medication, but I'm not really convinced on that one, Jesus, music, labyrinths, Seattle, prayer, children, St. Marks, myself, commitment services, and so much more. Jesus took all of these things, mushed them together and gave them to me, just to make me whole. For the first time in my life I'm not doubting my emotions. When I feel happy I know it's genuine. I can feel sad for other people as well as myself now, which is a huge thing. It's been so confusing trying to figure this all out. It wasn't like one day I was suddenly better. Just because the depression was gone didn't mean it was easy. Most of the time I felt incredibly numb, which is horrible, cuz a lot of times I'd rather feel depressed than numb. Other days were just ok, and a lot of days were a battle between two different people in my head. I mean that sounds kinda creepy, multiple personalitiesish, but it wasn't that creepy. My old way of thinking and the new way of thinking I was/am learning were always fighting. The old still is in there and still pops up, but it's not as dominating. So I was telling Rachel Mc. yesterday about stuff that's going on with me and at my house and she asked me if I get depressed and if I was lonely. I immediately responded no, I didn't even think about it. But then I was surprised how easy it was to say no. Now the old me would start panicking because I'd be doubting myself and wondering if maybe things aren't ok inside of me and wondering if I'm going to wake up one morning realizing I was just numb to the whole situation and now want to kill myself. But the truth is no, and I believe myself. Weird. So I guess I want to say thank you to everyone who contributed to my life.