...hold your mistake up...

last week i was in seattle, and it was very good for my soul. while i was falling asleep on the couch in the town house, i had a revelation....mistakes do not equal sin. weird. now maybe this means nothing to everyone else, but i've spent the majority of my life equating mistakes with sin. last summer while i was preparing for mission adventures with dave and phil, dave said something that blew my mind away. he said, don't worry if you mess up, you've never done these kinds of things before, it's ok to make mistakes. i didn't fully understand why that comment was so huge for me, but now i do. when dave told me that i felt so free. no one's ever told me it was ok to mess up before. when i'm faced with things that i could potentially make a mistake on (which is almost everything) i either go crazy trying to make it perfect or don't try at all. it was because i figured if i made a mistake in the process it wasn't even worth attempting. i'm not so afraid of life anymore. i wish everyone understood how huge this revelation was for me. why didn't someone tell me this earlier. everytime i screwed up something, or made a mistake i thought i was sinning and would have to repent or i would go straight to hell. i don't know where i got my previous thinking, but it definately messed with a lot of my life decisions. so now i have all this freedom and i'm very happy.

FINAL...ly

My finals are over, and I'm very happy. I don't think i failed anything which is good. I think my most difficult class was English. Maby not most difficult but, I had to put the most amount of effort into it. Our final exam was putting all of our writings into a portfolio for our teacher to grade, we got them back today along with our grade. It was a good feeling when my classmates and I were handed back our portfolio, and we all sighed in reflief. None of us failed the class. I've gotten to know the people in my row (the back row also known as the bad row) and it was nice to have them there when we all got our final grades. It feel good sometimes to go through difficult things people and in the end suceed. We didn't have to stay for class because there wasn't any class, but none of us wanted to leave each other. It was strange all 5 of us had been trying to get through this class, helping each other, comparing each others grades, bitching together and now it one quick moment it was all over. So we all just sat there for a while in our back row, very relieved but in a weird way sad. We all knew that we wouldn't keep in touch after the semester was over, but it was ok. Eventually me and another girl left and said bye and it was over. It's nice to have relationships that are ok to end.

Normal???

Well I work at a bookstore now. It's fine, but like most part time jobs I've had in the past....I wouldn't want to do that for the rest of my life. So while I was at work last night, thinking about that, I realized something....for a lot of people this is there life. Go to work and then go home. Weird. I know the majority of the population live like this, but when I think of that life for myself, I begin to panic. Nothing seems worse to me than that. Maybe it's just because I'm immature, and when I become a real adult then it will sit better with me. Speaking of being an adult....the other day I was hanging out with my brother and his family. We were taking a walk and my nephew and I were walking a little bit ahead. I went to cross the street with my nephew (who's 5) and he said, "wait Julie, we have to wait for an adult until we cross the street." I always feel like I'm so much younger than everyone else. At the bookstore there's a few 18 year olds working there....and I'm intimidated by them and assume they're much older than me. Anyways, back to life....how many people actually like their job? I mean our jobs is how we define ourselves. The first thing people always ask is, what do you do. If you don't like your job, but that's what defines you, then how do you feel about yourself? I know people don't like to admit that we're mainly defined by our profession, but it's true...sorry. Today in psychology we're talking about fears and phobia's. My biggest fear in life is to end up in some job I don't really like, one where you have to come in at a certain hour everyday, and after five years of working there you only get 2 weeks paid vacation. AAAAAAHHHHH!!! Here's the problem, most jobs that are dubbed "successful" fall into that description. Sick. I guess being a college professor wouldn't be that bad. Anyways, I'm still going to be a nurse, but I haven't really, and I'm not sure I ever will, connect being a nurse with my profession/identity. Even though I do like telling Mandy and Jolene I'm a nurse so I can give them medical advice. I talked to the Cunningham's last night....it made my heart happier than any job I could ever have. Emma's precious.

highlights....not the kids magazine

well i got a job at borders book store. that's good. i'll be making 7 dollars an hour. i need to save up a lot of money in the next 3 months, so i'll have to work a lot. it's turning into christmas time in the mall (which is where the bookstore is) so soon i'll be able to listen to christmas music everyday at work....yay. me and maria went to nathan's wedding. HOLY BUCKETS. i felt very.........poor. i've never been looked down on/snubbed before just because i wasn't rich, so it was kinda weird. fortunately a lot of people i liked were there so it was fun. me, rach, lynette, rusty, david, suzanne, maria and rob danced all night. well most of the time we actually couldn't dance because the dance floor was reserved for special people, but when they let the commoners on the dance floor we were there. did i mention maria and i DROVE to st. louis? the way there was great...on the way back, i thought i was going to die a few times. while we were in st. louis we stayed in the land of mansions. i've never been in such a rich place before, everywhere i looked there were homes 10 times (literally) the size of mine and porsches. i almost hit the porsche in the garage where we were sleeping, with a bike. i've included a picture of the house we stayed behind. it was great seeing friends i hadn't seen in a while. my semester's almost over. i'll be glad when it's done because that means my next semester is in seattle and also it will actually be about nursing stuff. in 37 days i'll be in seattle for christmas, or pre-christmas at least. well that's all i have for now. this weekend i'm going to make pumpkin pie out of sweet potatoes and make home made bread. i just remembered i have a test in 20 mins that i haven't studied for. bye

getting my hair cuts....

last week i couldn't get into the classes i needed. my life was over. then i called my friends freaking out, saying i'll never be able to go back to seattle. then mandy and jolene had the most amazing idea ever. they said.....ummm julie why don't you move back here in the spring and go to school. well that idea was loaded with several different emotions. the predominate one was joy, then fear, then a feeling a failure. well i happy for obvious reasons... but then i realized if i decided to move back i'd had to tell my mom...which is very scary. not because she's a horrible person, i mean she's not perfect but as i told jole, i wasn't so afraid of her response, but that i had to be vulnerable with her. one thing i've learned in life through many different people, is that it's best to be honest. before i learned this lesson i would have been focusing on how to tell my mom with the least amount of friction and make it seem as not a big deal as possible. but that's not being honest to how i actually feel. so to be honest means i would have to go to her and tell her that i was afraid and that i felt vulnerable. it took 3 days to build up the confidence. the thing is, it's my mom and really when it comes down to it, i just want my mom to be happy and make her proud, and i know this decision would make her not happy and not proud. so i told her all of that because i want to be honest with how i'm feeling. for some reason i've been feeling the need the past 6 months to do that. i'm not sure why but right now just saying truth isn't enough for me, i need to feel it too.
well, i told my mom, she cried and it was over. i'm ok with the response, even though i wished it would have been different.
after that adventure i was faced with this weird sense of being a failure. i don't want to be wishy washy, or i at least dont want people to think i am. so was going home for 6 months a waste of time and a mistake. well as of now i dont think it was. for the first time in my life i'm seeing clearly how my family is. it's not an idealistic/denialistic view, where everyones perfect christians and happy, but it's also not this perspective where everyone's satan and ruined my life. i'm learning to see my family as people who made/make mistakes but also have good things in them. sometimes they lean more to one side than the other, but they're my family. some people in my family aren't ready to have a relationships, i guess that's ok, i'll wait. now just because they're my family and i've been able to recognize all of this, doesn't mean they're the healthiest to be with. it's really hard because i have this overwhelming desire to be with my family but it's so harmful sometimes. i think i have this desire to be with my family as how i envision they could be, but being with them in reality isn't so good. anyways, i'm moving back to seattle in february and i'm getting my hair cut today.

CLOSED

So yesterday was the first day to register for spring classes at my college. Registration opened at 9 a.m. I arrived at my college around 9:45 am, by the time I got into the building and started registering it was 10 am. I already had my schedule figured out, it was perfect. All I had to do was click the register button and I was set. What was my schedule? Anatomy and physiology I, Microbiology, Statistical Math for nursing and Dosage 101. So there I was at the computer, I clicked the button, and in my head I had already moved on to thinking about what homework I had forgotten to do the previous night. But then something awful happened....in big block letters the word CLOSED appeared. I started to panic...how could ALL the classes I picked already be full? I tried to calm myself down, thinking that I just wouldn't be able to get the times I wanted. I'm fine with compromising. So I began searching for what classes wouldn't be closed. Once again another horrible thing happened, every single class I needed, no matter what time or day was CLOSED. Now maybe you're wondering what the big deal is, I could just take other classes right....WRONG. I need to take A&P I before I can take A&P II. I also need to take Microbiology before I can go into A&P II. If I don't take those classes I can't take A&P II in the summer, and A&P II is the class I need to take before I can get into the nursing program next fall. That means I can't go into the nursing program in the fall, they only offer the nursing program in the fall, which means I'd have to wait until FALL 2008! I almost started crying when this all happened. How could all the classes I needed to get into nursing be closed an hour after registration started? I had to pull myself together and figure out a solution. So I went to the department head of the medical programs, told her my problem and she said.....too bad. I could have went on a waiting list, in case someone dropped out, but the waiting list was ALREADY FULL!!! WHAT!! I mean did I enter the twilight zone or something, where an hour in my head was secretly a month to the rest of the world. I was very upset, I thought my life was ruined, I'd never be able to get back to Seattle at this rate. So I called my dear friends Jolene and Mandy. They talked me through the situation and calmed my nerves. We came to a very smart and wonderful conclusion where maybe we can make this work to my advantage, but I'm very afraid........help....

510 days....

It's been a year and 5 months of being depression free. It's strange to think that I can trace it back to an exact date. I'm finally getting to a point where I'm comfortable not being depressed. It's been a part of me so long that when it wasn't there I felt fake. I spent so much of my life pretending to be ok, that when I actually was ok, I still thought I was lying. The brain is crazy. Sometimes when I think back to my depression, it's hard for me to remember what it was like. I feel so removed from it. Fortunately I have my journals to remind me. I wonder how I came to be free of it. I wish I could pin point it to one thing, but in reality it's not that simple. It was a culmination of things. People who cared for me, professional help, maybe medication, but I'm not really convinced on that one, Jesus, music, labyrinths, Seattle, prayer, children, St. Marks, myself, commitment services, and so much more. Jesus took all of these things, mushed them together and gave them to me, just to make me whole. For the first time in my life I'm not doubting my emotions. When I feel happy I know it's genuine. I can feel sad for other people as well as myself now, which is a huge thing. It's been so confusing trying to figure this all out. It wasn't like one day I was suddenly better. Just because the depression was gone didn't mean it was easy. Most of the time I felt incredibly numb, which is horrible, cuz a lot of times I'd rather feel depressed than numb. Other days were just ok, and a lot of days were a battle between two different people in my head. I mean that sounds kinda creepy, multiple personalitiesish, but it wasn't that creepy. My old way of thinking and the new way of thinking I was/am learning were always fighting. The old still is in there and still pops up, but it's not as dominating. So I was telling Rachel Mc. yesterday about stuff that's going on with me and at my house and she asked me if I get depressed and if I was lonely. I immediately responded no, I didn't even think about it. But then I was surprised how easy it was to say no. Now the old me would start panicking because I'd be doubting myself and wondering if maybe things aren't ok inside of me and wondering if I'm going to wake up one morning realizing I was just numb to the whole situation and now want to kill myself. But the truth is no, and I believe myself. Weird. So I guess I want to say thank you to everyone who contributed to my life.