510 days....

It's been a year and 5 months of being depression free. It's strange to think that I can trace it back to an exact date. I'm finally getting to a point where I'm comfortable not being depressed. It's been a part of me so long that when it wasn't there I felt fake. I spent so much of my life pretending to be ok, that when I actually was ok, I still thought I was lying. The brain is crazy. Sometimes when I think back to my depression, it's hard for me to remember what it was like. I feel so removed from it. Fortunately I have my journals to remind me. I wonder how I came to be free of it. I wish I could pin point it to one thing, but in reality it's not that simple. It was a culmination of things. People who cared for me, professional help, maybe medication, but I'm not really convinced on that one, Jesus, music, labyrinths, Seattle, prayer, children, St. Marks, myself, commitment services, and so much more. Jesus took all of these things, mushed them together and gave them to me, just to make me whole. For the first time in my life I'm not doubting my emotions. When I feel happy I know it's genuine. I can feel sad for other people as well as myself now, which is a huge thing. It's been so confusing trying to figure this all out. It wasn't like one day I was suddenly better. Just because the depression was gone didn't mean it was easy. Most of the time I felt incredibly numb, which is horrible, cuz a lot of times I'd rather feel depressed than numb. Other days were just ok, and a lot of days were a battle between two different people in my head. I mean that sounds kinda creepy, multiple personalitiesish, but it wasn't that creepy. My old way of thinking and the new way of thinking I was/am learning were always fighting. The old still is in there and still pops up, but it's not as dominating. So I was telling Rachel Mc. yesterday about stuff that's going on with me and at my house and she asked me if I get depressed and if I was lonely. I immediately responded no, I didn't even think about it. But then I was surprised how easy it was to say no. Now the old me would start panicking because I'd be doubting myself and wondering if maybe things aren't ok inside of me and wondering if I'm going to wake up one morning realizing I was just numb to the whole situation and now want to kill myself. But the truth is no, and I believe myself. Weird. So I guess I want to say thank you to everyone who contributed to my life.