Birthday Anxiety....

I've never been a big fan of birthdays....wait, actually, I am a huge fan of birthday's but try not to be, for fear of disappointment. Some how I mananged to be the only one in my family who cares about holiday's and birthdays, which means if I didn't figure out some celebration there really wasn't one. I haven't been home for my birthday in 4 years, which is weird for me to think about. So usually on this day, (p.s. it's my birthday) I walk around nervously wondering who remembered and who hasn't and trying not to make it obvious, while trying not to be awkward. Everyone trys to act like birthday's aren't a big deal and if it's their birthday, they're so nonchalant about it...or at least that's how I usually am. Then there's that awkward interaction where you've been hanging out with someone on your birthday, but maybe they forgot, then someone else comes in the room and wishes you happy birthday, then the person you were hanging out with all day is like, oh yeah, umm happy birthday. I like birthdays. My friends do an amazing job at trying to unravel the mistakes of past birthday. If someone does something for me, or gives me something I don't like at all, I don't care, at least they thought about me, which lets be honest, is what really counts.

birthday misses.....get it? like birthday wishes but not?

I woke up this morning and realized I completely forgot my newphew's birthday. I feel horrible about it. I'm sure he didn't notice, or maybe he did. how could i forget it, I practically raised the child for the first 3 years of his life. How can I be so disconnected to the world back in the MD? Why is it so hard for me to keep in touch with my family, while I live out here. When I moved back to MD for that short stint, I managed to keep in contact with a lot of people back here. I feel like I'm the perfect example of "out of sight out of mind".....and I hate it. It's only been a month since I've been back and my time in Maryland already seems like a distant hazy memory....what's wrong with me. I need help with connecting the two worlds.
In other news...I'm still getting a dog. I'm putting a $100 desposit on it, so I can get the pick of the litter. Also I start school in 10 days, which is really starting to scare me. I know I did fine in school last semester, but for some reason I still have this huge fear that I'm going to fail, and that it will be too much for me to handle. I feel overwhelmed right now, and I'm not sure why. The end.