Normal???

Well I work at a bookstore now. It's fine, but like most part time jobs I've had in the past....I wouldn't want to do that for the rest of my life. So while I was at work last night, thinking about that, I realized something....for a lot of people this is there life. Go to work and then go home. Weird. I know the majority of the population live like this, but when I think of that life for myself, I begin to panic. Nothing seems worse to me than that. Maybe it's just because I'm immature, and when I become a real adult then it will sit better with me. Speaking of being an adult....the other day I was hanging out with my brother and his family. We were taking a walk and my nephew and I were walking a little bit ahead. I went to cross the street with my nephew (who's 5) and he said, "wait Julie, we have to wait for an adult until we cross the street." I always feel like I'm so much younger than everyone else. At the bookstore there's a few 18 year olds working there....and I'm intimidated by them and assume they're much older than me. Anyways, back to life....how many people actually like their job? I mean our jobs is how we define ourselves. The first thing people always ask is, what do you do. If you don't like your job, but that's what defines you, then how do you feel about yourself? I know people don't like to admit that we're mainly defined by our profession, but it's true...sorry. Today in psychology we're talking about fears and phobia's. My biggest fear in life is to end up in some job I don't really like, one where you have to come in at a certain hour everyday, and after five years of working there you only get 2 weeks paid vacation. AAAAAAHHHHH!!! Here's the problem, most jobs that are dubbed "successful" fall into that description. Sick. I guess being a college professor wouldn't be that bad. Anyways, I'm still going to be a nurse, but I haven't really, and I'm not sure I ever will, connect being a nurse with my profession/identity. Even though I do like telling Mandy and Jolene I'm a nurse so I can give them medical advice. I talked to the Cunningham's last night....it made my heart happier than any job I could ever have. Emma's precious.

highlights....not the kids magazine

well i got a job at borders book store. that's good. i'll be making 7 dollars an hour. i need to save up a lot of money in the next 3 months, so i'll have to work a lot. it's turning into christmas time in the mall (which is where the bookstore is) so soon i'll be able to listen to christmas music everyday at work....yay. me and maria went to nathan's wedding. HOLY BUCKETS. i felt very.........poor. i've never been looked down on/snubbed before just because i wasn't rich, so it was kinda weird. fortunately a lot of people i liked were there so it was fun. me, rach, lynette, rusty, david, suzanne, maria and rob danced all night. well most of the time we actually couldn't dance because the dance floor was reserved for special people, but when they let the commoners on the dance floor we were there. did i mention maria and i DROVE to st. louis? the way there was great...on the way back, i thought i was going to die a few times. while we were in st. louis we stayed in the land of mansions. i've never been in such a rich place before, everywhere i looked there were homes 10 times (literally) the size of mine and porsches. i almost hit the porsche in the garage where we were sleeping, with a bike. i've included a picture of the house we stayed behind. it was great seeing friends i hadn't seen in a while. my semester's almost over. i'll be glad when it's done because that means my next semester is in seattle and also it will actually be about nursing stuff. in 37 days i'll be in seattle for christmas, or pre-christmas at least. well that's all i have for now. this weekend i'm going to make pumpkin pie out of sweet potatoes and make home made bread. i just remembered i have a test in 20 mins that i haven't studied for. bye

getting my hair cuts....

last week i couldn't get into the classes i needed. my life was over. then i called my friends freaking out, saying i'll never be able to go back to seattle. then mandy and jolene had the most amazing idea ever. they said.....ummm julie why don't you move back here in the spring and go to school. well that idea was loaded with several different emotions. the predominate one was joy, then fear, then a feeling a failure. well i happy for obvious reasons... but then i realized if i decided to move back i'd had to tell my mom...which is very scary. not because she's a horrible person, i mean she's not perfect but as i told jole, i wasn't so afraid of her response, but that i had to be vulnerable with her. one thing i've learned in life through many different people, is that it's best to be honest. before i learned this lesson i would have been focusing on how to tell my mom with the least amount of friction and make it seem as not a big deal as possible. but that's not being honest to how i actually feel. so to be honest means i would have to go to her and tell her that i was afraid and that i felt vulnerable. it took 3 days to build up the confidence. the thing is, it's my mom and really when it comes down to it, i just want my mom to be happy and make her proud, and i know this decision would make her not happy and not proud. so i told her all of that because i want to be honest with how i'm feeling. for some reason i've been feeling the need the past 6 months to do that. i'm not sure why but right now just saying truth isn't enough for me, i need to feel it too.
well, i told my mom, she cried and it was over. i'm ok with the response, even though i wished it would have been different.
after that adventure i was faced with this weird sense of being a failure. i don't want to be wishy washy, or i at least dont want people to think i am. so was going home for 6 months a waste of time and a mistake. well as of now i dont think it was. for the first time in my life i'm seeing clearly how my family is. it's not an idealistic/denialistic view, where everyones perfect christians and happy, but it's also not this perspective where everyone's satan and ruined my life. i'm learning to see my family as people who made/make mistakes but also have good things in them. sometimes they lean more to one side than the other, but they're my family. some people in my family aren't ready to have a relationships, i guess that's ok, i'll wait. now just because they're my family and i've been able to recognize all of this, doesn't mean they're the healthiest to be with. it's really hard because i have this overwhelming desire to be with my family but it's so harmful sometimes. i think i have this desire to be with my family as how i envision they could be, but being with them in reality isn't so good. anyways, i'm moving back to seattle in february and i'm getting my hair cut today.