last week i couldn't get into the classes i needed. my life was over. then i called my friends freaking out, saying i'll never be able to go back to seattle. then mandy and jolene had the most amazing idea ever. they said.....ummm julie why don't you move back here in the spring and go to school. well that idea was loaded with several different emotions. the predominate one was joy, then fear, then a feeling a failure. well i happy for obvious reasons... but then i realized if i decided to move back i'd had to tell my mom...which is very scary. not because she's a horrible person, i mean she's not perfect but as i told jole, i wasn't so afraid of her response, but that i had to be vulnerable with her. one thing i've learned in life through many different people, is that it's best to be honest. before i learned this lesson i would have been focusing on how to tell my mom with the least amount of friction and make it seem as not a big deal as possible. but that's not being honest to how i actually feel. so to be honest means i would have to go to her and tell her that i was afraid and that i felt vulnerable. it took 3 days to build up the confidence. the thing is, it's my mom and really when it comes down to it, i just want my mom to be happy and make her proud, and i know this decision would make her not happy and not proud. so i told her all of that because i want to be honest with how i'm feeling. for some reason i've been feeling the need the past 6 months to do that. i'm not sure why but right now just saying truth isn't enough for me, i need to feel it too.
well, i told my mom, she cried and it was over. i'm ok with the response, even though i wished it would have been different.
after that adventure i was faced with this weird sense of being a failure. i don't want to be wishy washy, or i at least dont want people to think i am. so was going home for 6 months a waste of time and a mistake. well as of now i dont think it was. for the first time in my life i'm seeing clearly how my family is. it's not an idealistic/denialistic view, where everyones perfect christians and happy, but it's also not this perspective where everyone's satan and ruined my life. i'm learning to see my family as people who made/make mistakes but also have good things in them. sometimes they lean more to one side than the other, but they're my family. some people in my family aren't ready to have a relationships, i guess that's ok, i'll wait. now just because they're my family and i've been able to recognize all of this, doesn't mean they're the healthiest to be with. it's really hard because i have this overwhelming desire to be with my family but it's so harmful sometimes. i think i have this desire to be with my family as how i envision they could be, but being with them in reality isn't so good. anyways, i'm moving back to seattle in february and i'm getting my hair cut today.
2 comments:
to say i am excited by this news would not be being honest...i am SO excited!
I have missed you so much, i am glad you have had time with your family and i am so proud of you for the way you have made an walke out this decision. I love you Julie Christine Johnson.
have i ever thanked you for my name? thanks. i like that you named me.
and WAHOO...that you're coming home. and, well i'm sure you know this, but it definitley doesn't have anything to do with failure. i bet it's been really good for you to be home with your fam, otherwise you may have not figured some of the stuff you shared, out.
love you jules.
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