on fire....

When I was younger, especially in middle school, the big event to attend was Acquire the Fire, or ATF as the cool people called it. The only reason I began going was because my friends were all going. But every year it was the same depressing cylce. For 6 months they'd be hyping it up at my school/youth group we'd all go and get "on fire for God". When I was there as well as when we'd get back, I'd feel so guilty. The way they described someone who was "on fire" did not fit me at all, and since the only good Christian was an on fire Christian, I concluded I wasn't Christian. So for the greater part of my teen years I battled this stigma. At the youth conference they'd always use this line....."IF YOU DON'T KNOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT GOD IS REAL AND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HELL, THEN YOU BETTER BE CONCERNED" The result of that speech was me rededicating my life to God and saying the sinner's prayer every four months. I didn't KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that God was real and that I wasn't going to hell, I still don't know about the 4th KNOW. I think I have it up to the 3rd, but to be an on fire good Christian that's not good enough.....I wish someone would have told me that being a Christian didn't always look the same. I felt like I was the only one in an auditorium of 5,000 people who didn't match the criteria. (Other than the bad kids, whose parents made them come.) More than anything in the world I wanted to be a good Christian but no matter how hard I tried or what I did I never matched the ATF description. I wish I wouldn't have been so passive and let other people tell me how to follow God. It's all worked out in the end though. I now know that just because I don't fit their description, I'm a Christian. In the early years of my Seattle life I had a few breakdowns, which mainly centered around me not thinking I was a Christian. A wise man named Phil Cunningham told me, "If you weren't a Christian, you wouldn't be so worried about whether you were one or not" it made a lot of sense to me and relieved a lot of stress. So I have one main regret in my life, I regret believing whatever anyone in authority told me, without thinking for myself first. It really bothers me now to think how I allowed people to dictate what I believed and thought. When I would get into trouble in middle/high school, I automatically assumed they were right and I was wrong, but now looking back I can see some times when they were completely wrong, and I just sat back took the punishment. I was way to passive and obedient. Anyways, I don't think the ATF people are horrible, or not Christians, if that's how your relationship with God looks, that's great, I just wish they would have mentioned and left some room for diversity.