memory all alone in the moonlight.....

i've always had this problem where i can't remember things. i don't remember much from my childhood, or anything at all. i don't remember much from highschool, and sadly i don't remember much from seattle (although i have more memory of seattle than anything else, but that could be because it's closer in time). anyways.....it's always upset me inside. people would start talking, remember when....blablablablabla.....and about 85% of the time, i have no clue what their talking about. i've been thinking more about memories more recently because i'm trying to process my time back in maryland. if you remember in another blog i wrote, one of the reasons i started back at counseling, was that i needed help processing it. so i have this over all feeling that my time in maryland was hard....so then i tried to remember why it was so difficult and i got nothing. i mean, i know the general reasoning of why it was hard, but as far as specific memories/examples, i can't really think of many. when that happens (the whole not remembering things to back up a feeling...which happens a lot) i start to doubt myself, and think i'm crazy or a liar. so this all starts making me sad/upset with myself. it's hard to know what's true when you don't have a good hold on the past. even thinking back to the past 4 years in seattle is pretty hazy. so, i talked to my counselor about it. he thought it was a few different things working together which causes me not to remember much. one thing he pointed to was the fact that i've been pretty emotionally disconnected from everything. my way to survive growing up with my family was not to have emotions tied into situations. one thing that causes a memory is an emotional connection with whatever's going on around you in the moment. since i haven't had many of those...i don't have many memories....their not lost forever though, don't worry. it still takes me a while to connect what i'm feeling with the moment at hand, which is why the short memory continues while i'm in seattle, also my brains been working like this for 21 years so it's kind of engraved into my memory.....get it??? (you were supposed to get the irony involved...) my counselor suggested that i start backwards, try to remember seattle, then work my way back into childhood. he wanted me to think of the 5 most memorable times in seattle, which wasn't that hard, because i only had about 20 memories to pick from....just kidding. i based these five on how clear they are and how strongly i connected emotionaly in the the moment, so here ya go.....

in no particular order.....

1. the day i let someone see me really cry and i happend to cry more than i've ever cried before
2. the day i had to call my mother and tell her i was depressed, going on medication, and had tried to kill myself
3. the day i saw in the frames perform at sasquatch 2005 (still causes me to become extremely happy)
4. the day i went to st. marks beforing leaving for my sabbatical in maryland
5. the day i broke down at beths with anna and locked myself in the bathroom