me & cabana.

the bible isn't my favorite book.....

but what it has to say about love is pretty amazing. i've read corinthians 13 probably half a million times in my life time, but if you actually think about what is says, it's really heavy and difficult. it seems like what the bible says about love is counter intuitive for me. i'm trying to learn the balance between loving others and loving myself. it's hard to do both at the same time. and which one do you do first?

1 Corinthians 13
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.


the ones that are the greatest challenge to me right now....


love is patient- i am not patient. especially concerning love.

love always trust- well that goes against everything that feels natural to me

love does not delight in evil- i think i'm realizing that i delight in evil things more than i'd like to admit.

sometimes i feel guilty for loving people. i feel like we are taught to take care of ourselves first. guard yourself against being hurt, don't trust anyone. maybe that's wrong?

lauryn hill says in her song about love, that love is not loud. i'm not sure what that means yet, but i like the sound of it. the idea of quiet love is very appealing to me. she always says, make me unselfish without being blind. that seems like a good healthy balance.

so continuing with love...it's hard to love someone when their love doesn't match your amount of love. usually i would stop loving that person or think there is something wrong with me for loving them more.

i'm trying to learn how to love not based on other people's actions. that's not quite what i wanted to say, but i can't think of how to describe it. i want to learn how to love people for no reason and with the reality that they may never love me back.

it's fucking hard. sorry mom.

unlucky

i realized this past week that i'm an unlucky person. for a while i thought i attracted disaster but after milling that theory over for a while i realize that wasn't true. it's never disastrous the things that happen to me. usually just funny small/annoying things. sometimes they have the potential to become actual disasters but seeing as how i'm so familiar with bad luck, i usually thwart off the disaster with my laid back attitude (which may actually be lucky of me). anyways my friends and family would never be shocked if i called them with this story, "i decided to take my inflatable raft on green lake but it ended up sinking after being on the water for 5 minutes" (true story). i don't think any of them would even blink an eye. if i had a penny for every time i've had to call friends/family with some dumb car problem, i would have at least $18, which is a lot of pennies...do the math. the other morning i woke up and realized my keys were locked in my car. it honestly didn't even phase me, i walked back inside called AAA (best investment someone like me could have), ate breakfast, watched the guy pop my lock, then went back to bed. i've also been realizing my life is full of coincidences. all these isolated events happen to me, that must be related, but in the end, they're 100% coincidence. which is more freaky to me than if they were actually related. on the same day all this happend.....

lost my wallet
lost my passport
3 bill collectors called saying i hadn't paid their bills, when i knew i had
i realized i had someone else's title and registration for my car
i was accidentally drunk

there must be some correlation between them all....but no. they're all completely separate events hanging on a string of bad luck.

anyways then i got to thinking about people who had good luck. and then breaking down that group into people who make their own good luck and those who just have dumb luck. for example phil cunningham=dumb luck. rusty polinder=make his own good luck.

then i got to thinking maybe there's those two kinds of unlucky people too. people who just happen to have dumb bad luck. or those who make their own bad luck. weird.

so that's what i'm thinking about. in the end it's pretty funny.

core values..

once upon a time i was involved in a school called the rising. i'm not sure what we did, but one thing we did do was try and identify our core values. i think i was too young at the time to know them....maybe not. so far this is what i got...

relationships
pain
honesty


i've also been thinking about those things in relationship to privilege vs. right. i'm beginning to think that honesty is sometimes a privilege. which goes against a lot of my thinking, but ironic as it is...i think it's the truth.


and i think this picture is badass....



....research the Convair XFY

.....

i have mental wanderlust.

fantasy is what people want but reality is what they need...

yes that is a quote from lauryn hill. i think i've reached a place in my life where i'm wanting reality more than fantasy. as most things it's bittersweet. i think i'm growing up. my friends are too. i may be at the beginning stages of "perspective". like lauryn says, reality is truth and it will set you free.
number of times i've quoted lauryn today: 32

my new motto is....

whatever lauryn says....do it. she is an amazing woman.




Let me be patient let me be kind
Make me unselfish without being blind
Though I may suffer I'll envy it not
And endure what comes
Cause he's all that I got and
tell him...

Tell him I need him [yeah]
Tell him I love him [tell him]
And it'll be alright
*Background singing* Telll himmm be alright be alright
Tell him tell him I need him
Tell him I love him
It'll be alright

Now I may have faith to make mountains fall
But if I lack love then I am nothin' at all
I can give away everything I possess
But left without love then I have no happiness
I know I'm imperfect [I know I'm imperfect]
& not without sin [& not without sin]
But now that I'm older all childish things end
and tell him...

Tell him I need him [yeah]
Tell him I love him [tell him]
And it'll be alright
*Background singing* Telll himmm be alright be alright
Tell him tell him I need him
Tell him I love him
It'll be alright

Bridge
I'll never be jealous
And I won't be too proud
Cause love is not boastful
Oooh and love is not loud
Tell him I need him
Tell him I love him
Everything's gonna be alright [w/ adlibs]
ieee iee ieee iee iee iee iee iee

Now I may have wisdom and knowledge on Earth
But if I speak wrong then what is it worth?
See what we now know is nothing compared
to the love that was shown when our lives were spared
and tell him...

Tell him I need him [yeah]
Tell him I love him [tell him]
And it'll be alright
*Background singing* Telll himmm be allright be alright
Tell him tell him I need him
Tell him I love him
It'll be alright

dinah washington...

is awesome.

lately i have been....

listening to duffy a lot
sitting outside for hours
embracing my east coast heritage
figuring out money
watching the real world
phasing out the dipshits in my life
taking a lot of showers

maryland

there were a few things i wanted out of my trip to maryland. i believe i got them all. here are some highlights.....

sunshine
riding tractors
lightning bugs
thunder storms
marc thomas
chipped beef
dottie saying i looked like rita hayworth
my family
snow balls

good things to come this summer:

a week alone in the mountains
backyard cabana
david harris
san francisco
sunshine and long days
no school
england
france
underpants

Welcome to the neighborhood

I love my new neighborhood. Technically it's the same as my old neighborhood but it feels completely different. Although I love it, there's something about this area that's a little off. I can't quite figure it out, but for some reason I always feel like my little neighborhood is like the replica the guy from beetle juice made of their town. I've come up with a few reason as to why I feel these streets are odd..

*every night around 10 or 11 there's an old man, probably in his late 80's, who looks like he has escaped from the insane asylum and he's JOGGING. i'm so afraid he's going to crumble to dust because he's so old.

*giant mormon temple at the end of the block.

*there's random matching log cabins directly beside the mormon temple.

*there are no hills

*i always feel like i'm in philadelphia when i'm walking around this neighborhood. i've never lived there but that's the feeling i get. i think it's because there are a lot of chain link fences, which isn't common for seattle.

*this isn't a weird one it's an AWESOME one...i'm literally a stones throw away from taste of india.

Say goodbye to Betsy....

yup, she's gone. after getting into a car accident (not my fault) and having my car "totaled" they hauled her away this morning. i've been a lot of places in that thing. i think i've had it since i was 17. places me and beetle have been.....

maryland
pennsylvania
new york
delaware
new jersy
west virgina
virgina
north carolina
south carolina
georga
florida
ohio
indiana
illinoise
missouri
washington
oregon
california
mexico
canada

funny things to happen to me and my car....

getting stuck in the sand and my car almost washing away with the tide

fitting 3 people and a bunk bed inside my car

driving on the battle fields of gettysburg

the time it got broken into and there was duct tape there for months

mexico

san francisco

getting totaled






sorry the quality of the pictures are poor

pictures....

i love cloud cult and my new house...

two things of greater importance has happened in my life this week. number one. i saw cloud cult. number two. i moved into a new house. it's pointless trying to describe either. only one word can sum them up. AWESOME.

summer....please....

i miss lightning and lightning bugs.

A little bit of gardening.....

Today was a beautiful day. I looked at my poor plants and realized they needed a new home. Their roots have outgrown their pots.

A tribute to David James Harris...

I don't think there's anyone else in the world I love more than this boy. Sometimes I feel physical pain because I miss him and he is so far away....

Birthday success....

I had an amazing birthday. Thanks everyone for being such fun people.

Top five moments from my party....in ranking order:


5. When Aaron asked,"Is this party exactly what you wished for your birthday?", and me realizing the answer was yes.
4. Pulling out of the moment and looking down on all my friends dancing so intensely with out a care in the world. Notably Meagan Mason, Bubba, and Chris Chapin.
3. Watching Chris and Aaron free style rapping AND dancing to Dancing Queen.
2. Rachel and Haley
1. When Zach Rupp and Rachel Sommer sang Dream Lover by Mariah Carey....i'm not lying.








This is what will happen if you pass out at my party....

Nursing exams and Cloud Cult....

I finished my first week of nursing school. It's pretty intense, I kinda expected that though. Please note my GIANT stack of books. That's not even all of them. And I have to carry them around all day. Tuesdays are the worst because it's about 7 hours of lecture....sick. I love Wednesdays and Thursdays because it's when we get to do lab work and I get to wear scrubs all day. Every Thursday we have an exam. It's a pass or fail type of deal and I passed this week. You're allowed to retest twice, but after that you're kicked out. Like I told my new friend Ky.....it's easy, you just can't fuck up. That really explains it all. Speaking of my new friend Ky. We are the perfect team. I think we're the slacker/bad kids of our class. He doesn't know it yet, but we are best friends.

Also I've been listening to Cloud Cults new album The Ghost inside Our House the past two weeks and it's AMAZING!!! I don't think it officially comes out until next week, but you might be able to find it. They're coming to town next month and I am extremely excited. They are definitely in my top 5. The cure. Depeche Mode. The Frames. Cloud Cult. The fifth spot is always rotating. Right now I think it's pre-Fidelity Regina Spektor. My birthday was last week. I tried not to celebrate it because my party is tomorrow, but my friends tricked me and we celebrated it on my actual birthday....it was great and I can't wait for tomorrow. If you're reading this you're invited to my party. As a side note, maybe you forgot about my love for hockey....I know I kinda did. Haley and I went to a game this week and the Thunderbirds made it to the play offs!!!