Holla

u-dub here i come!

2009-06-25T07:55:00.000-07:00

I found out last week that I was accepted into UW. I was worried that my credits wouldn't transfer and they would place me as a sophomore but they placed me as a junior. which means in 2 years i will be finished. it's only taken me 3 years to get this far...yuck. i'm thinking about taking the maximum amount of credits per quarter (20 credits) as well as both of the summer quarters offered. if i do that i could be done in a year. other good news...i got a full scholarship for uw. 5 years of poverty has finally payed off...free education. i have to declare a major still. international studies or archeology. who wouldn't want to be an archeologist?
in other news. my dog has almost died twice in the past month. first she go into a bag of chocolate chips and i had to take her to the emergency vet at 4 a.m. two weeks later she acquired a bladder infection that put her at deaths front door. damn dog. she's ok now. there were a few days there when i thought she was a goner.
i am now a freelance babysitter. i don't have a family i'm specifically nannying for anymore but instead i've monopolized an entire neighborhood. it's a little worrisome because i never really know if i will get work for the week or month but so far it's been working out.
thats all she wrote.

still i love baseball

2009-05-29T17:20:00.000-07:00

on tuesday the mariners are playing the orioles. i'm a bit torn as to who to cheer for. either way i figure i win though. tallulah almost died last week. she ate a bag of chocolate chips and had chocolate poisoning. i had to take her to the emergency vet at 4 in the morning. stupid dog...i'm glad she's not dead though. i only have 2 more weeks of school for this quarter, woo hoo. sadly in 4 weeks i'll be back in class for summer quarter. oh well at least it's summer.

good week...

2009-04-30T11:36:00.001-07:00

things that made this week excellent as well as things i'm excited about:

1. booked my ticket and bungalow for costa rica
2. 108 days until costa
3. i found a NON-STOP ticket to baltimore for under $300. although i would pay double that just for the non-stop flight. for some reason it's almost unheard of to have a non-stop from seattle to baltimore.
4. i'm going to a baseball game tomorrow night with angela gamino
5. angela gamino, who is one of my favorite people in the world is moving into my house this weekend.
6. it's sunny.
7. i bought my mariners tickets off c-list and the guy gave me a really good deal because while we were talking he found out the only other game i had been to was a horrible experience and we were literally in the very last row of the stadium. my tickets for tomorrows game is 13 rows behind the dug out. i love baseball and baseball fans.
8. baseball games on tv

i will update the status of my roommate via pictures. who doesn't want to see a picture of angela gamino?

the original 3

ANGELA GAMINO!!!

2 sunny days

2009-04-21T12:36:00.001-07:00

it's been sunny and 70 something degrees for 2 days now. it's wonderful. things to update:

i am taking algebra for the first time in my life. i'm good at it.
i'm going on a vacation to costa rica with my roommates in 117 days.
i plan on moving to costa rica after i graduate.
i'm going to grill up some bulgogi and asparagus.
i'm going to scooter to panama when i'm in CR

here are some pictures of where i will be...literally

done my finals.

2009-03-27T07:40:00.000-07:00

finished with my finals. i thought i had bombed the essay portion of my history final because i got the dates confused and wasn't prepared......AT ALL. fortunately i did better than i thought and my professor really likes me for some reason. got A's in all of my classes....i still think there must have been a mistake somewhere.
awesome thing to happen....my history professor is very accomplished, had a bajillion degrees and titles, worked at the library of congress, etc. she asked me to part of a project dealing with agriculture as a means to end poverty in africa. i have to read and critique a stack full of proposals, reports, journals prepared by universities and institutions and present my own idea and compile a report on the pros and cons of all my readings. i then have to present it to one of the leaders of the world bank. SAY WHAT?!! anyways i have two weeks and i'm feeling a bit under-qualified. good opportunity and learning experience though. we'll see.

hair update...

2009-03-11T10:46:00.000-07:00

i miss my long hair....maybe it's the oncoming spring. either way this is a hair length update....mainly for my mother.

my weekend...

2009-03-02T19:31:00.000-08:00

last weekend i discovered book tv on cspan2. i never knew i could have so much fun on tv. it was great. maybe i'm a nerd, or maybe i'm just too lazy to read the books myself. either way i had a great weekend. bad news though...i got really excited when i got home tonight because i realized i could watch book tv. i never get excited about tv. i started scanning though the cannels, but i couldn't find book tv. for a split second i thought comcast the digital satan (thank you nas) had heard me raving to my roommates about how much i loved and learned from book tv and in an attempt to shut down free thinking cancelled the book tv channel, then i found out book tv is only on the weekends....bummer, but now i have something new to do on the weekends.

winter....

2009-02-08T11:48:00.000-08:00

i'm over it. i need more day light. i've decided spring is going to come in february....no more waiting around for winter to end. if there's no snow then i don't want it.

school+me= RUN AWAY

2009-01-06T11:22:00.000-08:00

being in college is very difficult for me. i realized though it's not the content of the classes that makes school difficult for me. the hardest part of school is staying in it. there's something inherent about the nature of institutionalized education that makes every cell in my body want to turn and run the opposite direction. i love learning and left to my own devices i will gobble up books and information faster than you can say cookie monster, but as soon as you put me into a "learning institution" i shut down. i need to get over it because i've been trying to stay in school for several years and i still have several years left until i am finished. it's a common theme in my life though. as soon as i am in a situation where i'm required to do what i'm doing i lose all interest and it becomes the most difficult thing in my life. when i hear people graduate from college i always wonder to myself.....they did it why can't i. school and i are like oil and vinegar.

Happy 9 Year!

2009-01-01T16:16:00.000-08:00

only thing i can say about '08 is that it was the shortest year of my life. i know people always say that but i mean it. it was here and gone before i realized it even started. i like new things...

snow....

2008-12-24T06:55:00.000-08:00

it's been snowing in seattle for almost two weeks now. we have about a foot of snow. everyone's complaining about it but i couldn't be happier. everyday is a snow day. i'm hoping this is the beginning of the new ice age. come on snow!

why lauryn?

2008-12-02T11:00:00.000-08:00

i wonder why lauryn hill doesn't come out with more music. i don't want to force her to make more music....or at least a book, but it would be helpful for the world if she did.

sorry mom...

2008-11-28T13:08:00.001-08:00

see ya on the turkey side...

2008-11-28T09:19:00.000-08:00

a few things....
yesterday was thanksgiving
i hate money and cars
i wake up every morning between 5:58 and 6:14
i received my first pay cut... damn economy
i'm seriously considering shaving my head
i read the bible yesterday

rachel and i are going to d.c. for christmas. we've bought our plane ticket but realized we don't have any money left. we may be sleeping on the streets in d.c. good news though...the white house emailed me. that was cool. maybe we can stay with them?

the update...

2008-11-07T11:18:00.000-08:00

here's a list of what's been going on the past month:

our house got a new puppy-Huckley
the heat stopped working in our house
WE GOT A WHITE BOARD!!!
pumpkin fest came and went-it was ruined by the police (not the band)
we got rid of our new puppy-bye Huckley
barack obama- need i say more?
school
finally finished the book non-violence (it might get it's own post)
i only listen to rap now- biggie, nas, jay-z, fugees

i think that's it. it's been busy.

i may be an anarchist...

2008-11-06T09:55:00.000-08:00

but this man has caused me to have pride in my country for the first time. let's hope.

pumpkin fest 08!!!

2008-10-23T08:50:00.000-07:00

this weekend is pumpkin fest. i'm excited. all are invited. the party starts at 9 and is at my house. 818 ne 58th st, in the u district.
yay!

scrappy puppy...

2008-10-04T18:42:00.001-07:00

i might have the cutest animal in the world.
my friend kevin took some picture of her at the dog park on a blustery autumn day.

september who?

2008-10-02T14:08:00.000-07:00

i completely forgot about the month of september. i thought that entire month was october. yesterday was quite the shocker for me seeing as it was actually october 1st. i thought october was ending, it was just beginning. anyways....updateorama.....
i dropped out of nursing school....why? because i wanted to. that may seem childish and irresponsible but at least i'm owning up to it. it's more than that. nursing school was a quick fix to my academic woes. have a respectable profession in 2 years compared to 4....sure i'll take it. it wasn't for me though. i really enjoyed learning about the body and science but the actual practice of it.....well, it's just not me. i took this summer off to figure out what i actually wanted to do with my life. i asked myself some simple questions. what do i like? what have a liked for a while? i like learning. but there's nothing that interests me enough for it to be all of what i do. i like traveling. i like books. i like research. what am i good at? i'm good at the things i like, or i like the things i'm good at. after asking and answering those questions and with the help of chris chapin i realized i should be a librarian. now you may be thinking librarians are restricted to your local public library, but have you ever heard of the library of congress? yup, librarians work there. ever been to a museum?-librarians. ever been to a court house or known a lawyer...who keeps them straight? librarians. i love learning and love to help people learn. that's where i used to get stuck in my quest for education. i thought because i loved learning and helping people learn that meant i should be a teacher, but i know for a fact i never want to be a teacher. this is how it happened. i was at the library downtown one day. i was in the reference section (my favorite, it's the one with all the census', maps, dictionaries, records etc.) and i have about 4 or 5 different reference books sprawled out across the table. a man came up to me and asked me where he could find law records, i pointed him in the direction and went back to my books. a few minutes later another person came up and asked me a question, i helped them and again went back to what i was doing. the 3rd time it happened i finally got it...they thought i was a librarian. i laughed when i realized. i went home that night at told chris the story because it was funny, then he said, in this semi-mocking but listen to what i'm about to say voice, "huh. funny. it'd be kinda cool if you were one". and that's how i became a librarian. to become a librarian you have to get your masters in library science. when i was reading the description of people who usually enter the program, it was stupid how similar i am to them. so that's what i'm doing. dropped nursing school, basically starting over. it's great though because i've done all the general education courses and now i get to do fun classes.
my five-ish year plan (the order of some of these events might change):
get my BA in psychology (3 years)
go to costa rica (1 year)
move to nyc or dc for masters program (2 years)

there ya have it.

opposites....

2008-08-29T16:27:00.000-07:00

one of the most detrimental imprints left on my life is being unable to see grey. funny thing is i'm slightly color blind and have a hard time distinguishing blues/greens from grey.

think about it kid:

panama canal
black and white
spying is illegal
ferrari

tallulah

2008-08-19T15:00:00.000-07:00

is a stake in the ground marking i'm here to stay.

me & cabana.

2008-08-19T14:27:00.000-07:00

the bible isn't my favorite book.....

2008-08-12T08:23:00.000-07:00

but what it has to say about love is pretty amazing. i've read corinthians 13 probably half a million times in my life time, but if you actually think about what is says, it's really heavy and difficult. it seems like what the bible says about love is counter intuitive for me. i'm trying to learn the balance between loving others and loving myself. it's hard to do both at the same time. and which one do you do first?

1 Corinthians 13
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

the ones that are the greatest challenge to me right now....

love is patient- i am not patient. especially concerning love.

love always trust- well that goes against everything that feels natural to me

love does not delight in evil- i think i'm realizing that i delight in evil things more than i'd like to admit.

sometimes i feel guilty for loving people. i feel like we are taught to take care of ourselves first. guard yourself against being hurt, don't trust anyone. maybe that's wrong?

lauryn hill says in her song about love, that love is not loud. i'm not sure what that means yet, but i like the sound of it. the idea of quiet love is very appealing to me. she always says, make me unselfish without being blind. that seems like a good healthy balance.

so continuing with love...it's hard to love someone when their love doesn't match your amount of love. usually i would stop loving that person or think there is something wrong with me for loving them more.

i'm trying to learn how to love not based on other people's actions. that's not quite what i wanted to say, but i can't think of how to describe it. i want to learn how to love people for no reason and with the reality that they may never love me back.

it's fucking hard. sorry mom.

unlucky

2008-08-11T10:34:00.000-07:00

i realized this past week that i'm an unlucky person. for a while i thought i attracted disaster but after milling that theory over for a while i realize that wasn't true. it's never disastrous the things that happen to me. usually just funny small/annoying things. sometimes they have the potential to become actual disasters but seeing as how i'm so familiar with bad luck, i usually thwart off the disaster with my laid back attitude (which may actually be lucky of me). anyways my friends and family would never be shocked if i called them with this story, "i decided to take my inflatable raft on green lake but it ended up sinking after being on the water for 5 minutes" (true story). i don't think any of them would even blink an eye. if i had a penny for every time i've had to call friends/family with some dumb car problem, i would have at least $18, which is a lot of pennies...do the math. the other morning i woke up and realized my keys were locked in my car. it honestly didn't even phase me, i walked back inside called AAA (best investment someone like me could have), ate breakfast, watched the guy pop my lock, then went back to bed. i've also been realizing my life is full of coincidences. all these isolated events happen to me, that must be related, but in the end, they're 100% coincidence. which is more freaky to me than if they were actually related. on the same day all this happend.....

lost my wallet
lost my passport
3 bill collectors called saying i hadn't paid their bills, when i knew i had
i realized i had someone else's title and registration for my car
i was accidentally drunk

there must be some correlation between them all....but no. they're all completely separate events hanging on a string of bad luck.

anyways then i got to thinking about people who had good luck. and then breaking down that group into people who make their own good luck and those who just have dumb luck. for example phil cunningham=dumb luck. rusty polinder=make his own good luck.

then i got to thinking maybe there's those two kinds of unlucky people too. people who just happen to have dumb bad luck. or those who make their own bad luck. weird.

so that's what i'm thinking about. in the end it's pretty funny.

core values..

2008-07-28T09:43:00.000-07:00

once upon a time i was involved in a school called the rising. i'm not sure what we did, but one thing we did do was try and identify our core values. i think i was too young at the time to know them....maybe not. so far this is what i got...

relationships
pain
honesty

i've also been thinking about those things in relationship to privilege vs. right. i'm beginning to think that honesty is sometimes a privilege. which goes against a lot of my thinking, but ironic as it is...i think it's the truth.

and i think this picture is badass....

....research the Convair XFY

.....

2008-07-28T06:41:00.001-07:00

i have mental wanderlust.

fantasy is what people want but reality is what they need...

2008-07-26T19:25:00.000-07:00

yes that is a quote from lauryn hill. i think i've reached a place in my life where i'm wanting reality more than fantasy. as most things it's bittersweet. i think i'm growing up. my friends are too. i may be at the beginning stages of "perspective". like lauryn says, reality is truth and it will set you free.
number of times i've quoted lauryn today: 32

my new motto is....

2008-07-20T10:11:00.000-07:00

whatever lauryn says....do it. she is an amazing woman.

Let me be patient let me be kind
Make me unselfish without being blind
Though I may suffer I'll envy it not
And endure what comes
Cause he's all that I got and
tell him...

Tell him I need him [yeah]
Tell him I love him [tell him]
And it'll be alright
*Background singing* Telll himmm be alright be alright
Tell him tell him I need him
Tell him I love him
It'll be alright

Now I may have faith to make mountains fall
But if I lack love then I am nothin' at all
I can give away everything I possess
But left without love then I have no happiness
I know I'm imperfect [I know I'm imperfect]
& not without sin [& not without sin]
But now that I'm older all childish things end
and tell him...

Tell him I need him [yeah]
Tell him I love him [tell him]
And it'll be alright
*Background singing* Telll himmm be alright be alright
Tell him tell him I need him
Tell him I love him
It'll be alright

Bridge
I'll never be jealous
And I won't be too proud
Cause love is not boastful
Oooh and love is not loud
Tell him I need him
Tell him I love him
Everything's gonna be alright [w/ adlibs]
ieee iee ieee iee iee iee iee iee

Now I may have wisdom and knowledge on Earth
But if I speak wrong then what is it worth?
See what we now know is nothing compared
to the love that was shown when our lives were spared
and tell him...

Tell him I need him [yeah]
Tell him I love him [tell him]
And it'll be alright
*Background singing* Telll himmm be allright be alright
Tell him tell him I need him
Tell him I love him
It'll be alright

dinah washington...

2008-07-15T11:57:00.001-07:00

is awesome.

lately i have been....

2008-06-28T09:08:00.000-07:00

listening to duffy a lot
sitting outside for hours
embracing my east coast heritage
figuring out money
watching the real world
phasing out the dipshits in my life
taking a lot of showers

maryland

2008-06-21T13:46:00.000-07:00

there were a few things i wanted out of my trip to maryland. i believe i got them all. here are some highlights.....

sunshine
riding tractors
lightning bugs
thunder storms
marc thomas
chipped beef
dottie saying i looked like rita hayworth
my family
snow balls

good things to come this summer:

2008-06-06T10:35:00.000-07:00

a week alone in the mountains
backyard cabana
david harris
san francisco
sunshine and long days
no school
england
france
underpants

Welcome to the neighborhood

2008-05-21T17:16:00.000-07:00

I love my new neighborhood. Technically it's the same as my old neighborhood but it feels completely different. Although I love it, there's something about this area that's a little off. I can't quite figure it out, but for some reason I always feel like my little neighborhood is like the replica the guy from beetle juice made of their town. I've come up with a few reason as to why I feel these streets are odd..

*every night around 10 or 11 there's an old man, probably in his late 80's, who looks like he has escaped from the insane asylum and he's JOGGING. i'm so afraid he's going to crumble to dust because he's so old.

*giant mormon temple at the end of the block.

*there's random matching log cabins directly beside the mormon temple.

*there are no hills

*i always feel like i'm in philadelphia when i'm walking around this neighborhood. i've never lived there but that's the feeling i get. i think it's because there are a lot of chain link fences, which isn't common for seattle.

*this isn't a weird one it's an AWESOME one...i'm literally a stones throw away from taste of india.

Say goodbye to Betsy....

2008-05-21T16:58:00.000-07:00

yup, she's gone. after getting into a car accident (not my fault) and having my car "totaled" they hauled her away this morning. i've been a lot of places in that thing. i think i've had it since i was 17. places me and beetle have been.....

maryland
pennsylvania
new york
delaware
new jersy
west virgina
virgina
north carolina
south carolina
georga
florida
ohio
indiana
illinoise
missouri
washington
oregon
california
mexico
canada

funny things to happen to me and my car....

getting stuck in the sand and my car almost washing away with the tide

fitting 3 people and a bunk bed inside my car

driving on the battle fields of gettysburg

the time it got broken into and there was duct tape there for months

mexico

san francisco

getting totaled

sorry the quality of the pictures are poor

pictures....

2008-05-10T22:52:00.000-07:00

i love cloud cult and my new house...

2008-05-10T09:03:00.001-07:00

two things of greater importance has happened in my life this week. number one. i saw cloud cult. number two. i moved into a new house. it's pointless trying to describe either. only one word can sum them up. AWESOME.

summer....please....

2008-04-27T08:17:00.003-07:00

i miss lightning and lightning bugs.

A little bit of gardening.....

2008-04-25T19:10:00.000-07:00

Today was a beautiful day. I looked at my poor plants and realized they needed a new home. Their roots have outgrown their pots.

A tribute to David James Harris...

2008-04-19T08:56:00.000-07:00

I don't think there's anyone else in the world I love more than this boy. Sometimes I feel physical pain because I miss him and he is so far away....

Birthday success....

2008-04-06T16:17:00.000-07:00

I had an amazing birthday. Thanks everyone for being such fun people.

Top five moments from my party....in ranking order:

5. When Aaron asked,"Is this party exactly what you wished for your birthday?", and me realizing the answer was yes.
4. Pulling out of the moment and looking down on all my friends dancing so intensely with out a care in the world. Notably Meagan Mason, Bubba, and Chris Chapin.
3. Watching Chris and Aaron free style rapping AND dancing to Dancing Queen.
2. Rachel and Haley
1. When Zach Rupp and Rachel Sommer sang Dream Lover by Mariah Carey....i'm not lying.

This is what will happen if you pass out at my party....

Nursing exams and Cloud Cult....

2008-04-03T10:24:00.000-07:00

I finished my first week of nursing school. It's pretty intense, I kinda expected that though. Please note my GIANT stack of books. That's not even all of them. And I have to carry them around all day. Tuesdays are the worst because it's about 7 hours of lecture....sick. I love Wednesdays and Thursdays because it's when we get to do lab work and I get to wear scrubs all day. Every Thursday we have an exam. It's a pass or fail type of deal and I passed this week. You're allowed to retest twice, but after that you're kicked out. Like I told my new friend Ky.....it's easy, you just can't fuck up. That really explains it all. Speaking of my new friend Ky. We are the perfect team. I think we're the slacker/bad kids of our class. He doesn't know it yet, but we are best friends.

Also I've been listening to Cloud Cults new album The Ghost inside Our House the past two weeks and it's AMAZING!!! I don't think it officially comes out until next week, but you might be able to find it. They're coming to town next month and I am extremely excited. They are definitely in my top 5. The cure. Depeche Mode. The Frames. Cloud Cult. The fifth spot is always rotating. Right now I think it's pre-Fidelity Regina Spektor. My birthday was last week. I tried not to celebrate it because my party is tomorrow, but my friends tricked me and we celebrated it on my actual birthday....it was great and I can't wait for tomorrow. If you're reading this you're invited to my party. As a side note, maybe you forgot about my love for hockey....I know I kinda did. Haley and I went to a game this week and the Thunderbirds made it to the play offs!!!

Momma

2008-03-24T17:35:00.000-07:00

My mom came to visit me this past week. It was great. She is probably one of my favorite people in the world. Thanks for being my mom, momma.

"i'm sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody."

2008-03-18T09:20:00.000-07:00

that's my favorite quote from j.d. salinger's franny and zooey. i love it so much, but sometimes when i look at it, i can't help but think of some horribly cheesy youth group motto. anyways, the quote in context is beautiful. and i absolutely love j.d. salinger. here's the whole quote....

"I'm not afraid to compete. It's just the opposite. Don't you see that? I'm afraid I will compete- that's what scares me. That's why I quit the Theater Department. Just because I'm so horribly conditioned to accept everybody else's values, and just because I like applause and people to rave about me, doesn't make it right. I'm ashamed of it. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody. I'm sick of myself and everybody else that wants to make some kind of a splash."
- Franny

if the only book by salinger you've read is catcher in the rye, then you should be ashamed. i didn't even like that book and he's my favorite author. i really recommend reading franny and zooey. or 9 stories. the first time i read franny and zooey was in the summer of 2004. if you know me, you know that was probably one of the worst summers of my life. i know this is a bit extreme to say, but i really think franny and zooey played a part in saving my life and restoring my hope in God. franny's spiritual crisis was strangely familiar to my own and i found comfort in her divine fictional turmoil.

sick...

2008-02-09T14:14:00.000-08:00

i woke up wednesday morning feeling like there were a ton of bricks on my chest. my sickness has only gotten worse. i am so thankful for kleenex with lotion. whoever invented them were geniuses. i'm also thankful for fisher mens cough drops. those things are potent. don't pop too many of those in a row though or they might make you puke. being sick while having an unhousebroken puppy is pretty difficult. i can't even image how hard it would be being a single mom or stay at home mom while being sick. it gives me a new understanding and respect for my own mother. today i took talullah to puppy kindergarten, it was kinda pointless because i've lost my voice. also i caucused today another difficult thing to do when you have no voice. anyways i'm drugged up and feeling a little bit better. thank you dayquil. so sorry if i've been ignoring your calls, its because i can't talk.

nursing school here i come....

2008-01-27T08:11:00.000-08:00

yup, i got in. i start march 31st. i'm not sure how i feel about it all. i've been preparing for it for so long, it kind of seems unreal. deep down i didn't think i would get in....weird. in other news, Tallulah has an UTI. Sad, she pees everywhere and on me.

i guess i did ok...

2008-01-18T13:06:00.001-08:00

That's me and Baxter on Christmas morning.

Today I had to take the TEAS, which is the entry exam for my nursing program. The results of the test combined with my GPA determine whether or not I get into the program. I've been really busy with Tallulah, so I actually forgot about it until my mom reminded me a few days ago. I wasn't nervous and didn't prepare at all. It took me about 3 hours to finish the 190 questions. The test was broken down into 4 categories. Much like the SAT. There was math, reading, english and science. I'm horrible at math and spelling, but I've known this since I was 10, so it wasn't a shock. All the questions were rather intense and the science section was a bitch. I got the results from the test as soon as I finished it and I was in the 95 percentile. I wasn't sure if that meant that 95% of people did better than me, or if 95% did worse than me. After discussing it with several people and then reading the explanation on the bottom of the results (i guess i'm not that smart), I realized it meant I scored higher than 95% of the people who completed the TEAS and are now in the nursing program. So I guess I did pretty good. My GPA is a 3.8, so hopefully that along with the TEAS score will get me into nursing school. I find out next week sometime. Speaking of next week. I'm leaving for Maryland on Saturday. I'm excited, I didn't get to go home for Christmas and I'm excited for my family to meet Tallulah. Yes I'm taking my dog on the airplane with me. Update on Tallulah: She will be turning 13 weeks on Saturday and we start puppy kindergarten tomorrow. Yes I enrolled my dog into puppy kindergarten. It's not the weird. I promise. It's a two month course. We go every Saturday for an hour and a half. It focuses on puppy socialization and basic manners. I'm not going to have children and I'll probably never have another dog, so I'm going for it. I just want her to be like Baxter.

Introducing....

2007-12-26T14:05:00.000-08:00

I've been pretty crazy the past two weeks. Wanna know why? It's because I have a puppy and she is very cute and naughty. I'm trying to follow the monks rules very closely, but it's hard. Here's some pictures.

It's about to get crazy...

2007-12-11T22:08:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now. It's a mixture of relief, sadness, anxiety, fear, joy, regret....pretty much all emotions all jumbled up, except maybe anger....i'm not too angry. It seems like a lot of my things in my life are either ending or starting right now. Tonight was the last night of Chanukah. I also had my final tonight so school is done...which means I've completed all of my pre-reqs for the nursing program. In 36 hours I will be getting a puppy. In two weeks I will have applied for the nursing program and in a month I will have know whether or not I got accepted. Christmas is coming, a year is ending. I'm getting a new job. People are moving out and into the house. It just seems like there's a pretty big chapter of my life ending, and another one is on the brink of starting.

I really enjoyed celebrating Chanukah with Pete. It's nice to have a different perspective on this time of year. I like the idea of physically celebrating something...maybe that's why I like to dance. I loved lighting the candles a certain way, with a certain candle and in a certain order. It was also cool speaking out blessings while retelling the miracle of the lamp through the lighting of the candles. I'd like to incorporate more Jewish traditions into my life.
Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech ha'o'lam asher kid'shanu b'mitzvotav v'tzivanu l'hadlik neir (shel) chanukah.

So like I said, I feel like it's about to get crazy in my life. Sometimes when I think about all the change that is happening, as well as a bunch of personal goals I am/want to make, life gets a little overwhelming. Like I said in previous blogs, I want to become a better communicator. I feel like I'm horrible at it right now and I hate the feeling I get when I don't communicate well, or when I know I should have communicated something but chickened out. I still have the desire for myself and my house to become a safe place for people who don't have one. My mother used to always say, we're family, this should be a safe place. I think that's what I'm wanting to recreate.

On another note. I miss David Harris and Clayre like crazy. They are some of the closest people I have in my life, but they both live so far away. I was talking about them to someone and saying how much I loved them, and then I realized that the majority of our friendship has been long distance and how it really really sucks that they are so far away. It made me sad, but they're worth it.

Friday night I'm going to this thing at St. Marks called Urban Hymnal. It's supposed to be a night of art, silence, prayer and music. I'm hoping that there will be space for me that night to process some of my feelings. The night also focuses on the sadness of the Christmas season, which is something I definitely am and will experience. St. Marks is a sacred place to me and I'm looking forward to some communal silence.

In conclusion. If you want to meet Tallulah, let me know. Introductions will be starting this weekend.

Domestic Christmas Goddess.....

2007-12-07T12:26:00.001-08:00

This holiday season I've turned into a domestic goddess. So far I've made gingerbread house ornaments from scratch, popcorn and cranberry garland, Christmas snowman paintings, home made stockings with embroidered reindeer....and there's so more to come. I'm also celebrating Chanukah with my friend Pete. I'm even learning one of the Jewish blessings you're supposed to recite after lighting the candles. I love Christmas and I love making things. Tallulah comes in 6 days. I'm pretty nervous but very excited. I'm kinda sad that I'm not going home for Christmas, but I'm excited that I get to offer a safe place for other people to come for Christmas.

IT'S SNOWING AHHH!!!

2007-12-01T15:39:00.000-08:00

right now, i'm sitting in front of my fire, listening to vince guaraldi's charlie brown christmas, sipping hot chocolate and WATCHING THE SNOW POUR FORM THE HEAVENS. today at approximately 1 pm the lord heard my prayer. it's the first seattle snow of this year and it's amazing. justin and i decided to go out and play in the snow. I LOVE SNOW!

Christmas is here....

2007-11-24T13:53:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was the Macy's Holiday parade and the annual lighting of the tree downtown. Mandy and I woke up at 6:30 a.m., caught the bus in the freezing cold (literally 32 degrees) and found ourselves the perfect spot to watch the parade from. After the parade we headed back home to warm up before the lighting of the christmas tree. Justin and Bubba decided to come to the tree lighting with us, so we made our way back to downtown. We had to fight our way through masses and masses of people to get a good viewing spot of the tree and the fireworks.....oh yeah i forgot to mention that they shoot fireworks out of the macy's star. special guest stacy orrico sang christmas in the northwest and mayor greg nichols made a rather moving speech about global warming and how it's causing santa's home to melt. all of this to say, christmas is here and i LOVE it.

Happy Thanksgiving...

2007-11-22T22:26:00.000-08:00

....this thanksgiving i'm thankful for shelton and hockey. yesterday haley and i went to another hockey game. as always it was great. sadly the t-birds lost, but that didn't put a damper on our upcoming holiday festivities. today our whole house, minus old josiah and angela and plus mindy and brittian, went to brian's house in shelton for thanksgiving. it was amazing. great people, great foot, great dogs. i was really excited for our drive home because that meant i could finally start listening to christmas music...and we did. justin, mandy, brittian and i sang our little christmas hearts out the whole 2 hour drive home. thanks haley for hockey, thanks brian and his family for thanksgiving, thanks justin and brittian for letting us listen to mariah carey christmas.

i know what you're thinking.....

2007-11-18T23:01:00.000-08:00

yes, she is the cutest puppy you've ever seen. i'm picking her up December 13th!!!

i love sports!!

2007-11-04T09:07:00.000-08:00

i have a new love for sports. well actually it's been kinda building for about two years, but i think i'm hooked. growing up my family wasn't too into sports, so it wasn't a big part of my life. when i moved to seattle i had my first real sporting event....baseball. now for all of you who love baseball, i'm sorry but it's an extremely boring game, and i hate it. all that to say....i thought i didn't really like sports until i got sucked into football (american and the rest of the world kind). i watched the seahawks fight their way to the superbowl, woke up early to watch the world cup, even caught a few huskies game. just as a disclaimer, just because i really enjoy football, does not mean i understand any of it. i've got the general concept down but i'm still looking for someone to explain the details. ANYWAYS....enough about football, i'll get to the good stuff. last night brian took me to a seattle thunderbirds hockey game. the only experience i had with hockey was watching mighty ducks as a kid, so i was really nervous going to the game. we got their late but it didn't really matter. the game was AMAZING. there was absolutely no point during the game where i got bored. and if you know me, you know i hate being bored and LOVE not being bored.

it was great. so much energy from the players and the fans.......wow. there was one awkward fight on the ice, but besides that, i think it was the best sporting event of my life. the third period was the most intense. seattle was playing the tricities and the game was tied the whole last half, until one of the players for seattle scored 2 goals in the last 4 minutes. like i said it was great. i might want to marry a hockey player, they're pretty hardcore. thanks brian for letting me tag along with you!

SHE'S ALIVE!!!!

2007-11-03T09:26:00.000-07:00

My puppy was born. She's extremely precious. Her name is Tallulah Margot Johnson. I get to pick her up at the end December. I'm really excited.

Purpose....wtf??? oh yeah, happy november!

2007-11-01T14:00:00.000-07:00

So this blog might be a bit scatter brained but there's a few things floating in my head....we'll see how it goes. I might post in bullet style......

1. Brian, Justin, Anna, Josiah and I went to the Henry art gallery for the opening of Kim Jones and his mudman madness. I didn't quite get the purpose of it though, a lot of other people didn't understand either and it freaked me out that no one understood the purpose.Anyways...this guy Kim Jones takes his clothes off in the middle of the museum and covers himself with mud and dons a mud and stick backpack of sort, then walks around. Still I don't get it. And how can everyone be ok with no one understanding??

2. I have to preface this next bullet. I have to apply for the nursing program and I'm extremely stressed out about it. Ok, I can begin.... I was talking with a friend today and we were talking about purpose. He asked if I had a purpose and I kinda realized I don't actually have one. Quite the big revelation I know. The closest thing I have to a purpose right now is nursing; which would explain why I'm so stressed about apply for the program. If I don't get in then I really have zero...almost minus purpose. Sometimes I feel like the only fulfilling purpose is one with God in the center and to be quite honest I'm not sure I want one of those purposes. Not that I hate God, I'm just not super fond of those typical God purposes.
Moving on...

3. Lately I've been having an EXTREMELY hard time making decisions. Even the simplest choices have been difficult for me to make. Usually, even if I'm not exactly sure what I want, I've always been able to just pick and go....not any more.

4. I've been listening to a lot of Dolly Parton and I LOVE her!!

5. I really wish more than anything I knew how to ice skate.

All around me are familiar faces.....

2007-10-22T12:57:00.000-07:00

The past 6 months seems like a whirlwind of new faces and new experiences. It's been great meeting a lot of new people and making new friends, but the past week I've really been longing for some familiar faces. I want to sit in a room with people who know my story; where silence is ok and there's no pressure to make conversation. I've realized lately that less and less people know my story and I don't know many of my newer friends stories either. It makes me sad, but it's hard for me to learn about someones past when it's not facilitated for me in a hyper compressed get to know you session. I want to become better at asking questions and allowing people to tell me their story. I want to become a better listener and actually care when people tell me about their life. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with trying to maintain healthy relationships and that's when I crave those familiar faces the most. I miss the Rupps a lot. As well as the Cunninghams. I miss Tina, David and Clayre. I miss my Mom. Those people are my family and I feel honored that they let me be part of their lives. I think sometimes I take those relationships for granted but right now they are precious to me. There's nothing better than having people really know me and them still loving me.

PUMPKIN FEST '07!!!

2007-10-17T16:18:00.000-07:00

This weekend was the 3rd annual Pumpkin Fest. My friend Dave Hart is the mastermind behind the event and started it to honor and celebrate the harvest season. Day two of pumpkin fest consisted of cooking a cornucopia of pumpkin treats and decorating with harvest like things....followed by a huge party full of blue grass, dancing, food, fire, whiskey, and fun. I say pumpkin fest '07 was the best pumpkin fest yet. You can't really go wrong with pumpkin, music and friends though...

Pumpkin fest....this is what dreams are made of...

Pumpkin goodies....

Our entertainment for the evening...the whiskey swillers....

YAY!! Pumpkin fest!!!

Who doesn't want a wheelbarrow full of beer?

Peparing for the festivities....

The pumpkin fest dream team....

drive to the country day......

2007-10-13T01:40:00.000-07:00

pumpkin fest is this weekend and the first day consists of drive the to the country day....followed by the big fest. dave, rachel, stef and i drove about 45 minutes east and found fall city. we stopped in town and talked with some locals and ate at a burger shack. we met one young man by the name of brian who has hopes of starting his own restaurant and gave us some great advice on where to buy a car in seattle. here's some pictures.....

an oldie but a goodie.....

2007-10-06T09:29:00.000-07:00

last night i was perusing through my itunes library and couldn't decide on what to listen to....so what do i do when i can't make my mind up? yup. press the shuffle button. a lot of times it's quite the let down, but not last night. after skipping a few songs that i'd actually never want to listen to it landed on coldplay. i listened for a minute and suddenly a flood of memeories rushed back to me. with out warning the years 1999-2003 flashed before my eyes. coldplay's great and i haven't listen to them in years. i unclicked shuffle and listened to coldplay for about an hour. it was great. i missed them. so now i think it's time for coldplay round two.........
i still can't listen to the song yellow though.....

grey house inhabitants...

2007-10-04T21:03:00.000-07:00

I totally stole this idea from mandy, but it was such a great idea...how couldn't i? So here's my grey family....i love them all dearly and am happy i get to live with them....

Josiah...new kid on the block....and my roommate...

Angela my most favorite mexican and my other roommate....

Josiah...has a giant computer....

Mandy...once my roommate, now she's downstairs...i miss her...

that's me....i'm excited...

elyse....she's almost as excited as me....

travis....he farts a lot and is married to danielle...

baby brian....the little brother i always wanted to find at my doorstep as a child...

danielle....she's a great communiator and is married to travis...

justin...my favorite sweet tea drinkin' mountain man....

that's everyone. for those of you who had no idea who i was living with....i hope this shed some light.

autumnal. seattle.

2007-10-01T15:23:00.000-07:00

It's hard finding the fall in the city. But I tried....

this is what i live for....

2007-09-26T19:35:00.000-07:00

today was great! it was one of those days that reminded me why i opt out on making more money in exchange for building relationships. i could work more hours and make probably double the amount of money i make now.....but i don't need to. i make just enough money to pay for my living expenses and have a little extra to save and have fun with. i much rather make less money and have more time to do the things i love. i woke up around 10 am, read a bit in my bed, wondered out of my room where the rest of my roommates were hanging out, sat with them eating cold pizza from the night before, and i was completely happy. after our breakfast, brian mentioned that it was free video game day at piccilos (a pizza place a few blocks away). so we all headed out for some more pizza and free video games. some other friends of ours met up with us there and we proceeded to have a rather chuck e. cheeseish pizza party. it was grand. after being there a few hours we wondered out into the day light (the video game room was like a dungeon) and sauntered on home. across the the universe (a musical where the score was completely made of beatles song) was playing today at one of the local movie theaters, so brian, elyse and i decided to go see it. i'm not a huge beatles fan but the movie looked good and i really wanted to see it. i was not disappointed at all....everything about the movie was beautiful, the music, the people, the colors...and my beatle love level definitely got pushed up a couple notches. also brian and i both fell in love with the main guy in the movie...like i said it was a good day and like dr. phil always says, money isn't the only form of currency. amen dr. phil, amen.

my trip to robothon....

2007-09-23T00:17:00.000-07:00

not sure if you knew but this weekend was robothon at seattle center. bubba's never been on a special surprise before but today was his special day....special surprise to robothon '07....other people came as well.....

my trip to the library....

2007-09-16T19:12:00.000-07:00

Today was a 55 degree, rainy, grey rather "seattle" day....and what better day to take a trip to the library. it's one of my most favorite places in seattle, especially when it rains because the whole building's a big window. i love sitting on the red rubber chairs and green foliage carpet and watching the rain and airplanes fly by with the puget sound as my backdrop. oh yeah....and there's a lot of books. i grabbed some color and took some pictures......

Hey....are you guys like going to bumber....

2007-09-05T01:16:00.000-07:00

Why yes, I did go to bumbershoot, and yes I did see the frames and yes someone did ask us, Hey....are you guys like going to bumber.... The frames were amazing of course. I've never been disppointed by one of their shows.

The whole day of bumbershoot was pretty good. I originally was only going to go to see the frames but brian convinced me to tag along with him all day along with justin who caved into our peer pressure. We saw the blakes (brian and i both fell in love with the tambourine player), Viva Voce, the frames (of course) and wu tang clan.....yes i just threw up the W sign. It was a really good day, mainly because of the frames, but it was also great hanging out with brian and justin. also there was a whole room full of original poster art which was amazing. i love the frames. i'm not really giving the day the justice it deserves so if you wanna read more, check out Justin and Brian's blog.

My new camera....

2007-08-31T15:59:00.000-07:00

I got a new camera the other day. I'm going to sell my old one.....if I can find it. I had a lot of fun with Brian trying to figure out all the features. Also, Jolene and I took Jaya to ride the ducks. It was a lot of fun watching Jaya blow her duck noise maker to the sweet sounds of funk music...her favorite. We had another family dinner last night. Anna made a yummy dal...mmm. Tomorrow new people move into the Grey house, I'm excited. Here's some pictures.

THE FRAMES.....

2007-08-29T14:19:00.000-07:00

I love The Frames. They're probably my favorite band, and they're definitely my favorite band live.......sorry Depeche Mode and The Cure. Some of the happiest times of my life has been while watching The Frames....and I'm not even exaggerating. Anyways, I'm going to see The Frames on Monday with Brian at Bumbershoot. Should be AMAZING!!
This will be my fouth time seeing them live. It should've been more than that, but I couldn't see them live till I was 21 because they'd always play 21+ shows...lame. Also, I don't know if you've ever seen the move Once, but the lead singer from The Frames is the main character, it's an amazing movie. I love The Frames.

Randy, Leila, Eden, Monte, Cindy, Jimmy, Nick, Lacey.......

2007-08-20T10:44:00.000-07:00

This weekend I went camping at Lake Walupt. It's a long story, I know. I was driving Brian's car with some people in it and Mandy was coming a few hours later in my car and some more people. After driving 2 more hours than we planned we reached the bottom of a mountain with a sign saying Lake Walupt 21 miles. This wasn't just any road it was a forest service road winding up the side of a mountain. The road was "gravel" aka big chunks of rock with huge pot holes. We had to go about 15 miles per hour, which would take approximately and 1 hour and 20 minute to drive. During the drive up I had a few mild anxiety attacks as I would look down the 3,000 foot drop from the cliff I was driving two feet away from. We went about 16 miles on the road and Brian's car suddenly stopped. There we were stuck in the middle of the road now at about 3,500 feet up, no cell phone reception, we hadn't seen a car for over and hour, no food or water (we had beer), and about 30 miles away from civilization. So we waited. About 45 minutes later a car came by. They had no room to take one of us off the mountain but they took down my AAA number to call them for us and gave us some water.

A bit later another car came going towards Lake Walupt and we decided to send Justin with them to the campground, hoping there would be a phone for him to get help with. Now it was just me and David stranded on top of a mountain, we waited for about 3 hours. Mandy still hadn't come and I was getting worried the Beetle couldn't make it up the road. Justin came back riding with the campground host, Randy, in a minivan. We figured AAA was never coming and who knew when Mandy would be here, so we packed all our gear and ourselves into the van and drove to the campground. It was about 5:30 and we knew there'd be no hope in getting the car off the mountain that day so I decided I'd just go the next morning. While we were waiting for the rest of the group Randy and Leila, the campground hosts, made themselves more than available to help us in anyway possible. Finally Mandy and the others showed up around 7. The next morning around 8 am, Angela and I started down the mountain to figure out the car debacle. It was Saturday morning so we had some trouble finding a tow company that was open. AAA said they wouldn't tow on an unpaved road so that was out of the picture. After trying to hunt down a few tow trucks we stoped at the local animal feed store and talked to Eden. We told her our dilemma and she was determined to help us. She called her friend Cindy who's husband, Monte, was a mechanic. Cindy told Eden to send us down her way and Monte should be home soon to help us. We drove to Cindy and Monte's house and when we got there Cindy and her dog Harley were there to welcome us with open arms. Monte was a few towns away so we had some time to hang out with Cindy. Meanwhile I was calling Brian telling him the story and asking what I should do. He called a tow company and arranged to have the tow truck pick me up at Monte and Cindy's on his way up the mountain to get Brian's car.
By this time is was 1 pm. I had planned on being back up the mountain and camping by 2, but shortly realized I was wrong. So Jimmy Beslow (who we didn't know at this time, but was rivals with Monte) picked me up and we started on our hour and half journey up the mountain. I was kinda concerned because I'm not the best at making conversation, but good ol' JJ (as he called himself) made up for it. He was a great guy. We had some really good conversation. He told me about his family and his son who had passed away a few years ago. He told me about snowmobiling and the mountains that he grew up in. I talked about my family, Ywam, school, and life. It was quite the experience. To read more about Jimmy Beslow check out this story about him.
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2003465485_missing07m.html
Finally we got back to Monte's. Angela had been waiting for 2 1/2 hours. He dropped the car off and Monte began working on it right away. Did I mention that it was Monte's day off? He told us he didn't have some of the parts so we would have to drive to Morton (the town two towns over) while he began taking the wheels off. We got back to Monte's around 5 pm, he fixed the car in under an hour and only charged us for the parts. Monte and Cindy waved us off and wished us good luck. Angela was driving Brian's car, I was driving my car....we ended up getting lost. After driving aimlessly for 2 hours and going on several other forest serive roads we decided to back track to Monte and Cindy's. They came out once again, arms open wide and so concerned. We asked if we could keep Brian's car there overnight and Angela and I would go up the mountain in my car, because neither of us wanted to drive up alone. Of course they said yes, and offered a place for us to stay if we didn't feel comfortable driving up the mountain. By this time it was 7:30 and we had about 30 minutes of day light left. We started up the road and at about 8:45 pm we were back at the campsite. A hole day of camping gone. The next morning it was raining and time to leave Lake Walupt (I only had about 4 hours of daylight camping over the weekend). We had a problem though because there was 6 of us, all our junk and one car. No one wanted to go down the mountain, get Brian's car, go back up the mountain and then back down again. It wouldn've taken 4 extra hours.
So we asked around, to see if anyone was going down the mountain around the same time, and hitched some rides with them. Jolene and I got a ride from Nick and Lacey. Two archeologists from Mississippi. They both now live in Washington and pass through Seattle quite often. We invited them to family dinner, exchanged numbers and hopefully we'll be seeing them again. After 5 hours of driving home in I-5 traffick, we were home. Even though I didn't actually get go camping, on the ride home, my heart was full. I had met so many amazing people this weekend, who genuinely cared. My faith in humanity was truely restored. These people had no reason for being so nice and hospitable or allowing me to enter into their life, but they did. They took care of us, and I could see Jesus in all of them. So, who wants to go camping next week?

My kids.....

2007-08-19T22:14:00.000-07:00

I know that not many will care to see these photo's but I felt compelled to share them. After all these are my kids and I miss them.

dinners. finals. camping. pubs. friends.

2007-08-16T21:13:00.000-07:00

I'm finished with Anatomy and Physiology. (let's please pause for a moment of silence)

It's hard for me to believe it. It's a two quarter course with a 20 pound book to go along with it. When I first started the class, I remember flipping towards the back of the book thinking I'll never finish it and that I'll never be able to comprehend all that information......and now.....I've done it. Not only did I complete it, I did well. I'm pretty proud of myself. I truely thought I couldn't do it. It's been a great class. I've learned a lot and made some really good friends along the way. Wednesday night was the final and afterwards some of my friends/classmates went out to the pub to celebrate. There's definitely a sense of comradery between us all. We've been struggling with this course together for 6 months and now it's over. It was fun to go out with everyone and reminisce about the good old days when all we had to do was memorize the names of bones, compared to more recently where we had to know the partial pressure and filtration rates of the nephrons at the glomerulus. Also we had another family dinner. It was once again a big hit. I really enjoy it and am amazed at how much other people enjoy it as well. I'm excited for the next one, and if you're reading this you're definitely invited. This weekend some of us are going camping. I'm very excited. As I told Justin, our new house mate, to say I love camping would be an understatement. I'm passionate about camping. We're going to Lake Walupt and I have a boat. I love Seattle and the Rupps....including Bruce.

Ann?

2007-08-12T23:08:00.000-07:00

So someone commented on my last post named Ann. She's a mystery just like the Masons. Ann who are you?

rest...

2007-08-09T17:57:00.000-07:00

I'm at World Cup waiting for some friends to do a school project. I got here about a half hour early and for the most part I've been rather antsy. I'm not around any one I know, I'm not doing anything productive (well maybe now I am), but I'm just being. I haven't been alone for a long time it seems. And it seems like an even longer time since I haven't beat myself up inside for doing nothing. Not that I don't ever do nothing, I do it a lot, but usually it makes me very uneasy and I feel guilty in my heart. Anyways I decided to stop and just rest. It feels nice. I'm not worrying about school, the grey house, relationships, money, I'm just staring out the window listening to Van Morrison. I think I need to start incorporating more alone time into my life. The thought of being alone makes me feel anxious, but then when I actually do it, it's good. I start to feel connected to myself when I'm by myself. Lately I've been feeling like I'm fading away and the things I feel and believe were becoming a bit blurry. Nothing huge it just felt like the edges of my soul were becoming drippy, they they were melting (maybe global warming?). Also as a side note, not really related to this but I thought to myself today.....I have to be a Christian and believe in God, because if I don't have Jesus to help me cope with people, I'd probably kill them all. Also, Funky painted this beautiful picture.

Grey Community...

2007-07-25T22:26:00.000-07:00

I live in the Grey House. It's a big grey house at the corner of 43rd and 8th. It was the first place I ever lived at in Seattle. I feel a sense of ownership towards it, although it's not mine. I've moved in and out of the grey house over the past 4 years, and it continues to be a house of change for my soul. It's strange for me to think of physical objects such as buildings to be able to bring healing. I'm sure it's not the actual building but I will always love this house because there has never been a time in my life where more has happened to me than in this grey box. I'm continuing to live here for another year and for lack of a better phrase.......I'm PSYCHED!!! The other night David Harris (one of my favorite people in the world) thought we should have a family dinner. We ended up inviting a lot of people, neighbors, friends, classmates, etc. I think about 12 people ended up coming. It was so great having a house full of old/new friends and feeling a sense of true community. We lined our two dinning room tables up in the middle of the room. Lit tons of candle, turned the fairy lights on and ate great food. There were a few moments while we were preparing the dinner that I looked around and was so proud of myself and my friends. Here we were a bunch of punky kids (as my father would put it), not just surviving but thriving and growing in a city of apathy. We were working together to build community and the end result was beautiful. Two tables full of people from different walks and places in life, laughing, eating and building realationship. Everyone brought an aspect of themselves and their giftings and helped to create a family, even if it only lasted a few hours. David worked on the lighting in the house, Jolene, Mandy and I made the food. Anna kept everyone entertained. It was great. By the end of the night I made a bunch of new friends and I like to think that everyone felt a sense of belonging and safety, which for me at least is hard to find. I want to do it more often. Provide a safe place. I don't want to save, fix, or fulfill anyone, I just want to offer safety. I think also that's what I want for myself. Dave Laird would have been a proud papa.

pedal or paddle??

2007-07-14T17:05:00.001-07:00

.....i wish that was our boat.....

today jolene, mandy, david and myself went pedal boating on greenlake. it was fun.....although i think our boat was defective and jolene decided to get "tennis" knee as soon as we started pedaling......how convenient. we decided to pedal our boat clear across the lake to the secret island. after a sticker bush debacle we landed in the lagoon of the secret island. at that point i had to pee, so i thought to myself, no better time than the present. i trailed off into the spider web infested island to find a good peeing spot. somewhere inbetween the sticker bush and pedaling with my hands incident, i lost the $20 in my pocket. that sucked, but the rest of the experience was great. we thought we were never going to make it ashore, but we did. on the way back in we noticed that every other pedal boat was going much faster than ours and they weren't pedaling nearly as hard. oh well, like i said it was fun. as a side note to the boating experience, i almost got into a fist fight with some jerk who decided to run a stop sign. i think i scared him off though.

july, july, july.....

2007-07-08T17:42:00.000-07:00

I used to go to Baja Fresh more frequently than I do now and the guy who would call out my name, for me to come get my order would always call me july. I liked it. anyways, it's july. i celebrated my first seattle independence day this year. i've been around for other 4th of july's but i've always been too busy with mission adventures, so i've never really been able to celebrate it. we had a bbq and went to gasworks to watch the fireworks. i've never really seen a real fireworks show, and it was amazing. there were a few times i almost started crying. especially when the fireworks were going in sync with "what do you do with a drunken sailor". it was great. i'm back and school and haven't been as studious as last quarter, as a result i've spent the weekend cramming my brain full of heart and blood information. ask me a question about your leukocytes, go ahead, i'll know the answer. i love seattle in the summer, it's the 2nd most magical place in the world.....disney world's the first.

3.8 and 3.5

2007-06-19T07:41:00.000-07:00

I got my grades back today. I received an A in both classes. Anatomy and physiology and Nursing 99. ANP was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do, so I'm proud of my 3.5, although it would have been nice to get a 4.0. In less than a week I'll be back in school for the summer. I'm taking ANP 2 and Intermediate algebra. I'm really nervous about the algebra because I don't know how to do it, other than the tutorial Mandy, Heidi and Drew gave me. I'm in Maryland right now. It's hard being here. Kinda bitter sweet. It's sad because everytime I come back here it's more obvious that this isn't my home, and that's a really sad feeling. At the same time though, it's a happy thing because it makes me realize how Seattle is my home, and how much I love it. I miss Seattle already and I've only been gone 4 days. I'm ready to go home. In other news, I'm still planning a camping trip for August, if you want in, let me know.

finals and maryland

2007-06-12T22:06:00.000-07:00

tomorrow is my anatomy and physiology final as well as my nursing 99 final. i haven't studied for either. i know i should've but everytime i sit down to study, the sun distracts me. also i'm leaving for maryland on saturday. i'll be gone for a week. i'm excited. i'm going to go fishing, crabbing, swimming and much more. my summer quarter starts in about 2 weeks. i'm taking anatomy and physiology 2 and intermediate algebra. i'm really nervous about the algebra, i don't know how much you know about my highschool, but the year book advisor was also my algebra teacher. if anyone knows how to do algebra and would like to help me, that would be great.

Amendment to the top 5 memories....

2007-05-23T15:38:00.000-07:00

6. When I met Zach Rupp
7. When I ate a chicken that had a beer can shoved up it's ass, with Phil.

memory all alone in the moonlight.....

2007-05-20T10:11:00.000-07:00

i've always had this problem where i can't remember things. i don't remember much from my childhood, or anything at all. i don't remember much from highschool, and sadly i don't remember much from seattle (although i have more memory of seattle than anything else, but that could be because it's closer in time). anyways.....it's always upset me inside. people would start talking, remember when....blablablablabla.....and about 85% of the time, i have no clue what their talking about. i've been thinking more about memories more recently because i'm trying to process my time back in maryland. if you remember in another blog i wrote, one of the reasons i started back at counseling, was that i needed help processing it. so i have this over all feeling that my time in maryland was hard....so then i tried to remember why it was so difficult and i got nothing. i mean, i know the general reasoning of why it was hard, but as far as specific memories/examples, i can't really think of many. when that happens (the whole not remembering things to back up a feeling...which happens a lot) i start to doubt myself, and think i'm crazy or a liar. so this all starts making me sad/upset with myself. it's hard to know what's true when you don't have a good hold on the past. even thinking back to the past 4 years in seattle is pretty hazy. so, i talked to my counselor about it. he thought it was a few different things working together which causes me not to remember much. one thing he pointed to was the fact that i've been pretty emotionally disconnected from everything. my way to survive growing up with my family was not to have emotions tied into situations. one thing that causes a memory is an emotional connection with whatever's going on around you in the moment. since i haven't had many of those...i don't have many memories....their not lost forever though, don't worry. it still takes me a while to connect what i'm feeling with the moment at hand, which is why the short memory continues while i'm in seattle, also my brains been working like this for 21 years so it's kind of engraved into my memory.....get it??? (you were supposed to get the irony involved...) my counselor suggested that i start backwards, try to remember seattle, then work my way back into childhood. he wanted me to think of the 5 most memorable times in seattle, which wasn't that hard, because i only had about 20 memories to pick from....just kidding. i based these five on how clear they are and how strongly i connected emotionaly in the the moment, so here ya go.....

in no particular order.....

1. the day i let someone see me really cry and i happend to cry more than i've ever cried before
2. the day i had to call my mother and tell her i was depressed, going on medication, and had tried to kill myself
3. the day i saw in the frames perform at sasquatch 2005 (still causes me to become extremely happy)
4. the day i went to st. marks beforing leaving for my sabbatical in maryland
5. the day i broke down at beths with anna and locked myself in the bathroom

A Blog......

2007-05-07T10:51:00.000-07:00

Jolene's been bugging the H E double hockey sticks outta me to write a blog....so I am. I go to school, incase you didn't know. I'm taking an anatomy and physiology class. It's pretty hard. I have to learn all the bones of the body, and about 20 points on each of the 206 bones by monday. I'm really stressed out about it. For the test, our teacher is laying out all the bones, we have to identify all the bones along with the corresponding 20 points. No word bank, no matching, no multiple choice, just straight up memory. SICK. I feel sick when I start thinking about it. In other news, I started going back to counseling. Well...maybe not started back. I've gone to counseling a few times, and might go a few times more. I realized I haven't processed, or even thought about my 6 months back home, a lot of stuff happened and I'd like to figure some of it out. I still enjoy sewing. The end.

Birthday Anxiety....

2007-03-29T09:48:00.000-07:00

I've never been a big fan of birthdays....wait, actually, I am a huge fan of birthday's but try not to be, for fear of disappointment. Some how I mananged to be the only one in my family who cares about holiday's and birthdays, which means if I didn't figure out some celebration there really wasn't one. I haven't been home for my birthday in 4 years, which is weird for me to think about. So usually on this day, (p.s. it's my birthday) I walk around nervously wondering who remembered and who hasn't and trying not to make it obvious, while trying not to be awkward. Everyone trys to act like birthday's aren't a big deal and if it's their birthday, they're so nonchalant about it...or at least that's how I usually am. Then there's that awkward interaction where you've been hanging out with someone on your birthday, but maybe they forgot, then someone else comes in the room and wishes you happy birthday, then the person you were hanging out with all day is like, oh yeah, umm happy birthday. I like birthdays. My friends do an amazing job at trying to unravel the mistakes of past birthday. If someone does something for me, or gives me something I don't like at all, I don't care, at least they thought about me, which lets be honest, is what really counts.

birthday misses.....get it? like birthday wishes but not?

2007-03-23T08:42:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning and realized I completely forgot my newphew's birthday. I feel horrible about it. I'm sure he didn't notice, or maybe he did. how could i forget it, I practically raised the child for the first 3 years of his life. How can I be so disconnected to the world back in the MD? Why is it so hard for me to keep in touch with my family, while I live out here. When I moved back to MD for that short stint, I managed to keep in contact with a lot of people back here. I feel like I'm the perfect example of "out of sight out of mind".....and I hate it. It's only been a month since I've been back and my time in Maryland already seems like a distant hazy memory....what's wrong with me. I need help with connecting the two worlds.
In other news...I'm still getting a dog. I'm putting a $100 desposit on it, so I can get the pick of the litter. Also I start school in 10 days, which is really starting to scare me. I know I did fine in school last semester, but for some reason I still have this huge fear that I'm going to fail, and that it will be too much for me to handle. I feel overwhelmed right now, and I'm not sure why. The end.

Pacey Whitter and adopting dogs....

2007-02-28T08:57:00.000-08:00

This week I've been house sitting for the family I nannied for. They have a dog named Baxter so I've been taking care of him as well. I've come to the conclusion that I want a dog. I know I can't have one, mainly because I live with someone allergic to dogs, as well as we're not allowed to have animals in the house I'm living in. But, when I move out in the fall, I'm getting a dog. I've thoroughly enjoyed hav ing a dog this past week. It's nice to take care of something. Everyday we take a trip or two to the park, take strolls around the neighborhood or run to the store together. It's kind of like having a child but not as traumatic when they die. Also I'm in love with a boy named Pacey Whitter, hopefully I'll soon be Julie Whitter....but that may all be a pipe dream. My friends come back from their respective countries next week. I'm excited to see them. Speaking of friends...I think that holiday's shouldn't be this exclusive family function. I mean, I know a lot of people, especially those is Seattle, far from family have realized this and actively participate in mingling holidays into a family/friends ordeal. I remember when I was in highschool and it was a holiday, you couldn't even call your friends on holidays much less incluse them in the festvals. I think it's silly. I think specials days should be celebrated with everyone you love. Not just family, besides I consider a lot of my friends the same as family, and I'm closer with my friends than the majority of my family. So...if I ever grow up and have a traditional family of my own, you are all invited to all of my holiday extravaganzas. Thank you.

Back to Se-at.....

2007-02-16T17:32:00.000-08:00

I'm back in the Emerald City and I LOVE it. It's strange though...well I think what the strange thing is, is that it's strange. I didn't think the change would effect me, but it is. I miss my mom mainly. We had the opportunity to work through some hard things as well as get to know each other more. Things aren't perfect of course but I feel like I have some sort of closure for something, not sure what though. I have a longing for family so when I find even the tiniest piece of it, I want to hold on to as long as possible. I have family here too and I'm excited to be able to hang out with them again. In other news....I got a job. I had an interview today for doing laundry for a family and they hired me. I start school April 1st. I want to see everyone.

reading rainbow......

2007-01-26T12:18:00.000-08:00

it can take you anywhere.....it's in a book, just take a look, reading rainbow.... i read a lot of books now, because i live in the middle of no where and there's nothing else really to do. so i thought i should keep everyone updated on what i'm reading, if i like or not, good quotes, bad quotes, etc. here's a list of what i've read in the past 2 months:

Dharma Bums by Jack Kerouac
The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran
On the Road by Jack Kerouac
Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer
A Man Without a Country by Kurt Vonnegut (I'm still reading this one)

I've really enjoyed all of them. I like to read. I especially enjoyed Dharma Bums, and would recommend it, if you're wanting to read a good book. I do have to warn you that there are some orgies involved in the book. I'm making Mandy read it. I just finished Into the Wild. It was really sad/inspiring. It's a true story about a 22 year old who hitchhiked to Alaska and died. And now I'm reading A Man Without a Country. It's written by the same guy who wrote Slaughterhouse Five, which is another good book. My favorite book of all time though is Franny and Zooey by J.D. Salinger. That book truely changed my life and brought me closer to God. Here's a quote I liked from the book I'm reading:

"Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven's sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possibly can. You will get enormous reward. You will have created something."

on fire....

2007-01-25T06:30:00.000-08:00

When I was younger, especially in middle school, the big event to attend was Acquire the Fire, or ATF as the cool people called it. The only reason I began going was because my friends were all going. But every year it was the same depressing cylce. For 6 months they'd be hyping it up at my school/youth group we'd all go and get "on fire for God". When I was there as well as when we'd get back, I'd feel so guilty. The way they described someone who was "on fire" did not fit me at all, and since the only good Christian was an on fire Christian, I concluded I wasn't Christian. So for the greater part of my teen years I battled this stigma. At the youth conference they'd always use this line....."IF YOU DON'T KNOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT GOD IS REAL AND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HELL, THEN YOU BETTER BE CONCERNED" The result of that speech was me rededicating my life to God and saying the sinner's prayer every four months. I didn't KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that God was real and that I wasn't going to hell, I still don't know about the 4th KNOW. I think I have it up to the 3rd, but to be an on fire good Christian that's not good enough.....I wish someone would have told me that being a Christian didn't always look the same. I felt like I was the only one in an auditorium of 5,000 people who didn't match the criteria. (Other than the bad kids, whose parents made them come.) More than anything in the world I wanted to be a good Christian but no matter how hard I tried or what I did I never matched the ATF description. I wish I wouldn't have been so passive and let other people tell me how to follow God. It's all worked out in the end though. I now know that just because I don't fit their description, I'm a Christian. In the early years of my Seattle life I had a few breakdowns, which mainly centered around me not thinking I was a Christian. A wise man named Phil Cunningham told me, "If you weren't a Christian, you wouldn't be so worried about whether you were one or not" it made a lot of sense to me and relieved a lot of stress. So I have one main regret in my life, I regret believing whatever anyone in authority told me, without thinking for myself first. It really bothers me now to think how I allowed people to dictate what I believed and thought. When I would get into trouble in middle/high school, I automatically assumed they were right and I was wrong, but now looking back I can see some times when they were completely wrong, and I just sat back took the punishment. I was way to passive and obedient. Anyways, I don't think the ATF people are horrible, or not Christians, if that's how your relationship with God looks, that's great, I just wish they would have mentioned and left some room for diversity.

sewing maching....the industrial god...

2007-01-10T07:33:00.000-08:00

I sew now and i love it. I took a trip to the goodwill and found some really cool sheets, which inspired me to start sewing. My only problem was that my sewing machine is in Seattle, although I'm not sure where in Seattle. I went home with my new (actually really old) fabric and without a sewing machine. When my mother heard of my new interest in sewing she said...."well i have your grandma johnson's (who i've never met, she's dead now) sewing machine in the attick." So my mother and I climbed into the attick and there it was in all of it's 1948 glory. It weighs about 60 pounds....literally and smells like an old persons house plus an oil tanker. My mom said it probably wouldn't work, since it hadn't been used in 21 years. I lugged it downstairs, carefully placed it on the kitchen table (i was afraid the table might break from the weight) and started to hook the machine up to electricity. IT WORKED!!! I was so excited. And that's when I began to sew. It becomes addicting. I've never really sewn anything before, other than 500 yards of muslin to make Mission Adventure curtains.....TWICE. I've had to figure out how to do everything, mainly by trail and error. I invested in a seam ripper which is definitely something I use a lot. While i was sewing late last night I felt this sense of connection with my lost history. Unfortunately I never got to meet my dad's parents and no one ever talks about them. I've never seen a picture of them, I didn't even know their names, or were they lived until a few months ago. And here I was in 2007 using my father's mother's sewing machine that she used to make my father's clothes when she was my age. It was pretty cool. I have nothing to connect myself with her except that sewing machine. Anyways I really enjoy sewing, but I can't cut straight for the life of me, that's my only set back. I've made two purses, a few pillows, a pencil case and a sach (not sure how to spell it) for Jolene's hope chest. I heart sewing.

Happy Happy New Year....

2007-01-02T06:20:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to tell everyone happy 2007. I was looking through my old journal from when I was 11 and I wrote that I would probably get married in 2007...so this is my year, I should live it up before I get married. I hope everyone's holiday was spectacular.

...hold your mistake up...

2006-12-27T09:27:00.000-08:00

last week i was in seattle, and it was very good for my soul. while i was falling asleep on the couch in the town house, i had a revelation....mistakes do not equal sin. weird. now maybe this means nothing to everyone else, but i've spent the majority of my life equating mistakes with sin. last summer while i was preparing for mission adventures with dave and phil, dave said something that blew my mind away. he said, don't worry if you mess up, you've never done these kinds of things before, it's ok to make mistakes. i didn't fully understand why that comment was so huge for me, but now i do. when dave told me that i felt so free. no one's ever told me it was ok to mess up before. when i'm faced with things that i could potentially make a mistake on (which is almost everything) i either go crazy trying to make it perfect or don't try at all. it was because i figured if i made a mistake in the process it wasn't even worth attempting. i'm not so afraid of life anymore. i wish everyone understood how huge this revelation was for me. why didn't someone tell me this earlier. everytime i screwed up something, or made a mistake i thought i was sinning and would have to repent or i would go straight to hell. i don't know where i got my previous thinking, but it definately messed with a lot of my life decisions. so now i have all this freedom and i'm very happy.

FINAL...ly

2006-12-14T08:55:00.000-08:00

My finals are over, and I'm very happy. I don't think i failed anything which is good. I think my most difficult class was English. Maby not most difficult but, I had to put the most amount of effort into it. Our final exam was putting all of our writings into a portfolio for our teacher to grade, we got them back today along with our grade. It was a good feeling when my classmates and I were handed back our portfolio, and we all sighed in reflief. None of us failed the class. I've gotten to know the people in my row (the back row also known as the bad row) and it was nice to have them there when we all got our final grades. It feel good sometimes to go through difficult things people and in the end suceed. We didn't have to stay for class because there wasn't any class, but none of us wanted to leave each other. It was strange all 5 of us had been trying to get through this class, helping each other, comparing each others grades, bitching together and now it one quick moment it was all over. So we all just sat there for a while in our back row, very relieved but in a weird way sad. We all knew that we wouldn't keep in touch after the semester was over, but it was ok. Eventually me and another girl left and said bye and it was over. It's nice to have relationships that are ok to end.

Normal???

2006-11-29T06:30:00.000-08:00

Well I work at a bookstore now. It's fine, but like most part time jobs I've had in the past....I wouldn't want to do that for the rest of my life. So while I was at work last night, thinking about that, I realized something....for a lot of people this is there life. Go to work and then go home. Weird. I know the majority of the population live like this, but when I think of that life for myself, I begin to panic. Nothing seems worse to me than that. Maybe it's just because I'm immature, and when I become a real adult then it will sit better with me. Speaking of being an adult....the other day I was hanging out with my brother and his family. We were taking a walk and my nephew and I were walking a little bit ahead. I went to cross the street with my nephew (who's 5) and he said, "wait Julie, we have to wait for an adult until we cross the street." I always feel like I'm so much younger than everyone else. At the bookstore there's a few 18 year olds working there....and I'm intimidated by them and assume they're much older than me. Anyways, back to life....how many people actually like their job? I mean our jobs is how we define ourselves. The first thing people always ask is, what do you do. If you don't like your job, but that's what defines you, then how do you feel about yourself? I know people don't like to admit that we're mainly defined by our profession, but it's true...sorry. Today in psychology we're talking about fears and phobia's. My biggest fear in life is to end up in some job I don't really like, one where you have to come in at a certain hour everyday, and after five years of working there you only get 2 weeks paid vacation. AAAAAAHHHHH!!! Here's the problem, most jobs that are dubbed "successful" fall into that description. Sick. I guess being a college professor wouldn't be that bad. Anyways, I'm still going to be a nurse, but I haven't really, and I'm not sure I ever will, connect being a nurse with my profession/identity. Even though I do like telling Mandy and Jolene I'm a nurse so I can give them medical advice. I talked to the Cunningham's last night....it made my heart happier than any job I could ever have. Emma's precious.

highlights....not the kids magazine

2006-11-09T10:13:00.002-08:00

well i got a job at borders book store. that's good. i'll be making 7 dollars an hour. i need to save up a lot of money in the next 3 months, so i'll have to work a lot. it's turning into christmas time in the mall (which is where the bookstore is) so soon i'll be able to listen to christmas music everyday at work....yay. me and maria went to nathan's wedding. HOLY BUCKETS. i felt very.........poor. i've never been looked down on/snubbed before just because i wasn't rich, so it was kinda weird. fortunately a lot of people i liked were there so it was fun. me, rach, lynette, rusty, david, suzanne, maria and rob danced all night. well most of the time we actually couldn't dance because the dance floor was reserved for special people, but when they let the commoners on the dance floor we were there. did i mention maria and i DROVE to st. louis? the way there was great...on the way back, i thought i was going to die a few times. while we were in st. louis we stayed in the land of mansions. i've never been in such a rich place before, everywhere i looked there were homes 10 times (literally) the size of mine and porsches. i almost hit the porsche in the garage where we were sleeping, with a bike. i've included a picture of the house we stayed behind. it was great seeing friends i hadn't seen in a while. my semester's almost over. i'll be glad when it's done because that means my next semester is in seattle and also it will actually be about nursing stuff. in 37 days i'll be in seattle for christmas, or pre-christmas at least. well that's all i have for now. this weekend i'm going to make pumpkin pie out of sweet potatoes and make home made bread. i just remembered i have a test in 20 mins that i haven't studied for. bye

getting my hair cuts....

2006-11-01T07:02:00.000-08:00

last week i couldn't get into the classes i needed. my life was over. then i called my friends freaking out, saying i'll never be able to go back to seattle. then mandy and jolene had the most amazing idea ever. they said.....ummm julie why don't you move back here in the spring and go to school. well that idea was loaded with several different emotions. the predominate one was joy, then fear, then a feeling a failure. well i happy for obvious reasons... but then i realized if i decided to move back i'd had to tell my mom...which is very scary. not because she's a horrible person, i mean she's not perfect but as i told jole, i wasn't so afraid of her response, but that i had to be vulnerable with her. one thing i've learned in life through many different people, is that it's best to be honest. before i learned this lesson i would have been focusing on how to tell my mom with the least amount of friction and make it seem as not a big deal as possible. but that's not being honest to how i actually feel. so to be honest means i would have to go to her and tell her that i was afraid and that i felt vulnerable. it took 3 days to build up the confidence. the thing is, it's my mom and really when it comes down to it, i just want my mom to be happy and make her proud, and i know this decision would make her not happy and not proud. so i told her all of that because i want to be honest with how i'm feeling. for some reason i've been feeling the need the past 6 months to do that. i'm not sure why but right now just saying truth isn't enough for me, i need to feel it too.
well, i told my mom, she cried and it was over. i'm ok with the response, even though i wished it would have been different.
after that adventure i was faced with this weird sense of being a failure. i don't want to be wishy washy, or i at least dont want people to think i am. so was going home for 6 months a waste of time and a mistake. well as of now i dont think it was. for the first time in my life i'm seeing clearly how my family is. it's not an idealistic/denialistic view, where everyones perfect christians and happy, but it's also not this perspective where everyone's satan and ruined my life. i'm learning to see my family as people who made/make mistakes but also have good things in them. sometimes they lean more to one side than the other, but they're my family. some people in my family aren't ready to have a relationships, i guess that's ok, i'll wait. now just because they're my family and i've been able to recognize all of this, doesn't mean they're the healthiest to be with. it's really hard because i have this overwhelming desire to be with my family but it's so harmful sometimes. i think i have this desire to be with my family as how i envision they could be, but being with them in reality isn't so good. anyways, i'm moving back to seattle in february and i'm getting my hair cut today.

CLOSED

2006-10-24T09:47:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was the first day to register for spring classes at my college. Registration opened at 9 a.m. I arrived at my college around 9:45 am, by the time I got into the building and started registering it was 10 am. I already had my schedule figured out, it was perfect. All I had to do was click the register button and I was set. What was my schedule? Anatomy and physiology I, Microbiology, Statistical Math for nursing and Dosage 101. So there I was at the computer, I clicked the button, and in my head I had already moved on to thinking about what homework I had forgotten to do the previous night. But then something awful happened....in big block letters the word CLOSED appeared. I started to panic...how could ALL the classes I picked already be full? I tried to calm myself down, thinking that I just wouldn't be able to get the times I wanted. I'm fine with compromising. So I began searching for what classes wouldn't be closed. Once again another horrible thing happened, every single class I needed, no matter what time or day was CLOSED. Now maybe you're wondering what the big deal is, I could just take other classes right....WRONG. I need to take A&P I before I can take A&P II. I also need to take Microbiology before I can go into A&P II. If I don't take those classes I can't take A&P II in the summer, and A&P II is the class I need to take before I can get into the nursing program next fall. That means I can't go into the nursing program in the fall, they only offer the nursing program in the fall, which means I'd have to wait until FALL 2008! I almost started crying when this all happened. How could all the classes I needed to get into nursing be closed an hour after registration started? I had to pull myself together and figure out a solution. So I went to the department head of the medical programs, told her my problem and she said.....too bad. I could have went on a waiting list, in case someone dropped out, but the waiting list was ALREADY FULL!!! WHAT!! I mean did I enter the twilight zone or something, where an hour in my head was secretly a month to the rest of the world. I was very upset, I thought my life was ruined, I'd never be able to get back to Seattle at this rate. So I called my dear friends Jolene and Mandy. They talked me through the situation and calmed my nerves. We came to a very smart and wonderful conclusion where maybe we can make this work to my advantage, but I'm very afraid........help....

510 days....

2006-10-17T10:01:00.000-07:00

It's been a year and 5 months of being depression free. It's strange to think that I can trace it back to an exact date. I'm finally getting to a point where I'm comfortable not being depressed. It's been a part of me so long that when it wasn't there I felt fake. I spent so much of my life pretending to be ok, that when I actually was ok, I still thought I was lying. The brain is crazy. Sometimes when I think back to my depression, it's hard for me to remember what it was like. I feel so removed from it. Fortunately I have my journals to remind me. I wonder how I came to be free of it. I wish I could pin point it to one thing, but in reality it's not that simple. It was a culmination of things. People who cared for me, professional help, maybe medication, but I'm not really convinced on that one, Jesus, music, labyrinths, Seattle, prayer, children, St. Marks, myself, commitment services, and so much more. Jesus took all of these things, mushed them together and gave them to me, just to make me whole. For the first time in my life I'm not doubting my emotions. When I feel happy I know it's genuine. I can feel sad for other people as well as myself now, which is a huge thing. It's been so confusing trying to figure this all out. It wasn't like one day I was suddenly better. Just because the depression was gone didn't mean it was easy. Most of the time I felt incredibly numb, which is horrible, cuz a lot of times I'd rather feel depressed than numb. Other days were just ok, and a lot of days were a battle between two different people in my head. I mean that sounds kinda creepy, multiple personalitiesish, but it wasn't that creepy. My old way of thinking and the new way of thinking I was/am learning were always fighting. The old still is in there and still pops up, but it's not as dominating. So I was telling Rachel Mc. yesterday about stuff that's going on with me and at my house and she asked me if I get depressed and if I was lonely. I immediately responded no, I didn't even think about it. But then I was surprised how easy it was to say no. Now the old me would start panicking because I'd be doubting myself and wondering if maybe things aren't ok inside of me and wondering if I'm going to wake up one morning realizing I was just numb to the whole situation and now want to kill myself. But the truth is no, and I believe myself. Weird. So I guess I want to say thank you to everyone who contributed to my life.